Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Friday, May 2, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Friday, April 4, 2008
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Monday, March 31, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Don't get me wrong, Obama is the flippin' man, but "We're trying to find out the right approaches for accountability, but at the same time try to heal wounds that have occurred and allow the campus to move ahead." is overdoing it. People, they're a bunch of flippin' college kids screwing around. It's funny how everyone is taking college kids so seriously since so many of them are becoming filthy rich with the businesses they start. (A trend that I pioneered thank you very much). I had the opposite problem when I was at Harvard.
Anyway, relax people. Obama said he was LMAO while reading about it. Don't let distractions about race distract you from the real enemy; Hillbilly Clinton.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Monday, March 24, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
This article is great. She interviews like two people and feels it must be conclusive evidence. What's more embarrassing is that Forbes actually ran this article and took her seriously. You guys know what's even crazier? Despite her limited research and overly assumptive conclusions she's actually right. Giving money away does make you feel better than spending it on yourself. Why do you think I started the Bill & Melinda Gates foundation? Why do you think I'm leaving Microsoft to work there? It's because I'm tired of all the critical bastards who give me ish day after day.
Even though I don't go over to Australia much anymore after Lost premiered, I thought this was rather interesting. What's crazy is that Qantas was totally begging me to be on the first flight after their test period or "soft opening" using this stuff. I'm all, Hells to the no motha f@*kr! People are going to die ese! Don't get me wrong, once they're on version 6.0 or something I'm totally adding that functionality to the Windows plane but until then, faaa geit abatet!
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Thursday, March 13, 2008
I know what some of you are thinking, and yes, surgery can do amazing things nowadays, but call me old fashioned, we should stick with what works. Some are worried he's a terrorist. Get a grip people, there's no way homeland security would ever let him get away with anything. LOL!!! Okay seriously, I'll tell you a secret. When you're one of the three richest men in the world, congress gives you a button and when the security code is entered and the button pushed, it will essentially give the president a fatal heart attack. I'm sure you're asking, why haven't you used it on George W? Well if you look at history the good ole US of A has always needed a common enemy. These common enemies also allow the tech industry freedom of scrutiny from your everyday average Joe. Most people are just too busy to care what we do as long as they don't see us as the bad guys. At first this enemy was Al Qada, now it's George himself. I know, I might as well have told you Santa Claus isn't real.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
I can't believe some people still don't see it coming. Ever since Dell pissed me off, Michael has been crying for me to forgive him. After letting the freak out set in for a couple of days, I told him he's going to need to buy Sun Microsystems and slowly phase out their software technology. Microsoft is helping make this transition by forming a partnership with Sun. This way I don't have to deal with all of the anti-trust litigation but still capture even more market share. Fake Insider Trading Alert: Buy Sun Microsystems stock.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Monday, March 10, 2008
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Monday, March 3, 2008
The pale light in the mansion woke me the way a searchlight does when someone shines it directly in your face. My head felt like someone was striking it incessantly with a sledge hammer. I could barely make out Jeeves saying good morning while placing the breakfast tray on my lap.
The words on The Wall Street Journal were blurry as if someone had spilled water on my paper. As I opened the closet to pick out my threads for the day, I saw Drew Barrymore naked and bound on the floor. While I was trying to remember what the hell had happened the door bell rang downstairs. Crap! I had forgotten about the informal meeting with Justin Long. (Hi, I'm a Mac). Since Jeeves was already downstairs I didn't have time to change my instructions from yesterday of just letting him up when he arrives. I heard Justin coming up the stairs and as I went to close the door to the closet Drew began to wake up and strain against her bindings. Why was I meeting with Justin Long you ask? To see if we could do some Zune commercials together. Our legal guys figured out a hole in his contract with Apple and we are totally going to exploit it. How did his girlfriend find herself naked and tied up in my closet? I at this moment still have no f@*king clue.
So Justin and I talk for a while which is weird because I'm still in my robe but too afraid to go into the closet for something else. (If you listened you could began to hear soft moans coming from the door). Justin says he needs to take a piss and I happily tell him it's right next to the bedroom. After he was out I threw open the closet door, ungagged Drew and asked her what the hell happened. She gave me this flirty smile asked me back what didn't happen last night? She's like, just untie me and I'll show you. Meanwhile I hear the toilet flushing and tell her to be quiet because her boyfriend will be in the room in ten seconds. She said sounds kinky as I closed the door. I'm sure you're wondering how this ends so let me just say, for some reason God smiled on me and after several close calls Justin leaves not knowing his girlfriend was nude in my closet.
Once I was on my way to work it became obvious the alcohol was still very present in my system so I tried to drive carefully. Out of the side window a rainbow poked through the clouds which caused me to stare for far too long. Yeah, you guessed it. CRASH! Actually it was a little more like "crash" but still. The guy on the bike flew about ten or fifteen feet. As I get out of the car and approach him I notice a bone is sticking out of his leg. Right then I remembered what momma used to say, if you do something REALLY stupid, make sure to leave no evidence, throw money at it, and run. So I light the unconscious man on fire, throw money in the flame and get my ass on the road. In retrospect, I could have just burned his clothes, (don't want the cops finding flecks of car paint) left several thousand dollars and hit the road. Oh well, live and learn.
During lunch I'm just dreaming about how good a drink would be but it's a working lunch with the board so all I could do was down a bunch of aspirin in the bathroom. The board is all in a hissy because our stock is crashing and even though I know most of the tech stocks aren't doing well I make sure all of the blame is being assigned to Ballmer. I mean, he's the CEO after all and I'm too busy with the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation to do anything about it. Upon returning from lunch, my secretary tells me she has cancer. I warmly tell her that everything will be alright and her insurance will take care of everything and during the time of treatments when she doesn't have hair I'll just have her help one of the other executives out. (Come on, have you ever tried getting a BJ from a bald chick? Yeah, I didn't think so). She teared up a little but didn't say anything. So a little bit later she buzzes me and says with an annoyed tone that she is passing President Bush through. That bitch! I told her not to ever let him through to me. George is all huffed up and giving me a bunch of crap for not agreeing to support McCain. He threatened me with even more anti-trust problems so I told him I'd think about it and call him back in an hour.
Next was my appointment with the Vista team. My temper flared up and I sent a programmer to the hospital. I'm told he has a minor concussion and will be fine in a week. I sent him a few energy drinks and some dirty magazines, he was so grateful. What a loser.
It had been a long day so I took four shots of JD to take the edge off. Feeling relaxed I hopped on Xbox Live in one of the Halo 3 rooms and totally was kicking butt. Before I know it, hours had passed and my general counsel calls to let me know we have just received about 100 new anti-trust suits. Mother f@*cker! I forgot to call George back, unfortunately the booze had done it's trick and made me forget about all the a-holes out there. Oh well, there goes a couple billion Microsoft dollars out the door. Live and learn. Time to get away from the office.
After dropping off my car at a body work specialist who will keep his mouth shut, I took a limo to my yoga class. FSJ told me this really works for him so I figured it was worth a try. Unfortunately, class is hell and I just need to relax. So I pick up a hooker on my way home and after doing a couple of lines in the limo, we arrive at casa de Gates. We stumble up the stairs stripping as we go and crash through the bedroom door. Now please keep in mind that Melinda and I have an understanding but when it's before 8:30 (the kids bedtime) all bets are off. So of course when we come crashing through the door obviously high and completely naked while she's reading the kids a story it didn't sit well. What was worse is that Melinda didn't go crazy. She just calmly took the kids out of the room and closed the door.
So here it is, I've hit rock bottom, or at least I hope this is rock bottom. Definitely in the doghouse. I'm going to start anew. Make a change. Who knows? Maybe this Scientology thing could work out.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
So he's like Billy, you've got to come check out Scientology it'll change your life man. You've got to go OT. Well, I love fucking with Scientologists so I ask him to tell me more. He starts talking about how we're all prisoners in our own bodies and we have to learn how to be free and clear but it all starts with putting our personal ethics in. I'm like Tom, this sounds completely cool I just don't know if right now is a good time, which just got him all riled up. He's all listen Bill, nows the time to take action, nows the time to start on your way to happiness, you've got to cross the bridge. I said, well what is Scientology's purpose? He's like it depends where you're at. At first it just teaches you to improve conditions and make more money (must admit that caught my attention) and do better with your relationships. I told him the money part sounded good but Melissa and I have an understanding and are doing great, besides, isn't it going to costs millions of dollars anyway? So Tom says it may cost millions but you'll gain billions. No one's ever gone broke from giving to Scientology.
Well then we start talking about time commitment. So I ask Tom about how much time it takes. Oh Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, it doesn't take too long at all. He then divulges that he typically spends about 40 hours a week working on Scientology but assures me I wouldn't need to spend nearly that much time at first. I say I just can't do it. Tom says I'm starting to enturbulate him. And I'm all whatever that means! So Tom goes help me, help you. No joke he actually said that. Then he starts repeating it. Help me, help you Billy. Help ME, Help YOU. HELP ME, HELP YOU! So I say Tom you have to show me the money. He's all Show me the money! This continues for about five minutes so Tom decides to switch tactics. He says let's start slow Billy, let's take it nice and slow. You can start by doing the Purif. I ask what the hell the purif is and Tom explains the Purif or Purification rundown is where you go sit in a sauna, take a shitload of pills and jog every once in awhile. He said it will completely clean me out from all of the drugs and all the other crap in my body. I asked if it completely cleans me out why do the SeaOrg people not want to talk to me anymore because I did LSD. He's like Bill, you're totally questioning source and that's completely uncool. You're pissing LRH's thetan off as we speak. So I apologize and say I'll do the purif just to see what this is all about. He's so jazzed and says before you know it you'll be on course and on your way to OT. Clear the planet!!!
I've decided this could be interesting. More as this develops.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Are you guys really adding Flash compatibility to the iPhone? Really? Are you nuts? The security vulnerabilities as well as the speed degradation that will cause seems like a risky move. Or maybe you're just going to wait until the 3G iPhones are released? No matter. Wait until we release our new Windows Mobile version and announce a partnership with ... well... I guess you'll just have to wait and see.
Monday, February 11, 2008
See the world used to look like this:
And now it looks like this:
At Microsoft we don't "spit" we "swallow". Swallow up the little guy, give him no where to turn and then simply find a way to get our software on their machines. It's what we did to IBM, Apple, Palm and now Sony Ericsson. We swallow their hopes, their dreams and force feed the Microsoft Kool-Aid down their throats. Who should be next? RIM? Sun? Red Hat? Fake billion dollars to the person who can Photoshop what the world will look like in 10 years. (Think Microsoft and bigger).
So Yahoo! is totally playing hard to get. Everyone thinks they care about more money for shareholders but they're really just trying to save face by talking tough to the media. Damn attention whores! It's kind of like negotiating with a hooker; except you don't only want her for one night, but for the rest of her life. And this particular hooker is married to the President of the United States or something so even though no one likes her except a select few, it's still a big deal in the media. Know what I mean?
I'm trying to stay back and let Ballmer handle this but he was never good at closing the deal with the ladies so I'm not sure if he can handle Yahoo!. He's all like, Bill don't worry about it I've been reading How to Get Your Dick Sucked for Dummies and I think it's really helping. When asked about improved BJ results seen from this he simply tells me it's going to be a good five years before he really starts seeing a return, which is funny because he said the same thing about Yahoo!. Sigh... If I really wanted to end this right away all I would have to do is make two phone calls. The first to my secretary so I can get some afternoon delight and the second to my hitmen who would make Yahoo! an offer they can't refuse. Jerry, I'm going to let Ballmer continue for now, but don't get greedy or else I'll go Godfather on your ass.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Monday, February 4, 2008
Friday, February 1, 2008
I've been reading all the news articles about our offer to Yahoo. Seeing some of the comments all these jack offs are leaving at the end of the articles are just hilarious! They're saying they will stop using Yahoo as their homepage if this goes through. I'm sure somewhere in their distorted sense of reality they believe it will actually make a difference. It's a numbers game people. It always has been. There is a small percentage of anti-social Microsoft haters who will abandon Yahoo and search for greener pastures (Get it? "Search"!) but we don't give a shit! We will grow tremendously in market share and eventually give Google a well deserved kick in the balls. We've been around since the beginning boys and chicas which shows we've passed the test of time in a rapidly changing market. Google will get old; hate to break it to you guys.
So why don't you run out and get me some cigarettes because I'm about to give Yahoo! the best screw of it's life. Followers and haters alike please feel free to comment with your opinions.
P.S. If you've fallen off the planet earth and haven't heard the news see here.
P.P.S. From now on Microsoft will use an unnecessary plethora of exclamation points in all published materials to help remind people we will be/practically are, Yahoo!
Monday, January 28, 2008
And she’s all like, hey Bill you look really sexy whenever I see you on the news or whatever and you’re always trying to save the world and stuff. I’m like, Britney you’re lookin’ all coked out on the news, what’s goin’ on? She laughed this high pitched scary laugh and said she wasn’t coked out; she was Pepsi’ed out and having the time of her life without having to worry about her kids. I said it was probably better since she sucked balls at being a mother which brought on another scary laugh. She’s like, that’s another thing that makes you so sexy Bill; you can make a woman laugh and that’s important to any girl. Trying to deal with all of this paparazzi bullshit and put on a good face makes a woman feel bad about herself. Then she says she has some unbelievably awesome drugs from her psychiatrist and she wants to show me what her Pepsi dance looks like without anything on. I asked her which one and she tells me the one from the Pepsi commercial where Bob Dole is being a sorry old pervert. I said I’d be there in five…
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Ok Steve I understand your position, how can you improve upon last year’s keynote with the iPhone release? But come on, there are some minor software releases for the iPhone and AppleTv and you call them new products??? Sub par. Then there’s the Macbook Air; it looks like it will break just from people looking at it. Of course all of the fans in the crowd ahhhhhhh’ed over these things but they probably just felt they had to or else you would leave the stage in tears. I think you just over prepped and wore yourself out for the keynote because you looked like you were about to fall over. Maybe that’s because you skipped your morning snort, I don’t know but it was obvious something wasn’t right. And I have never in my life seen anyone more high out of his mind than Randy Newman at the end. Where can I get some of that shit? Seriously! And then O how sweet, he wants to say a few words in defense of our country… I’m sure that showed those European bastards!
Monday, January 14, 2008
Sunday, January 13, 2008
So Elton John calls and is like, Sir Bill (yes I am also a knight) were those my lyrics you used for the title of your last post? I don’t want to lie so I just say yea... He’s all like, brilliant! I am so honored that you might think of my music to help represent yourself. Let’s put on some platform shoes and go out for a night on the town. I begin to tell him I have to go visit McConaughey when to my dismay, I hear a familiar voice in the background. Elton’s like, he’s already here and we’ve been trying on different costumes for hours! I just couldn’t come up with anymore excuses so I can either have Elton killed or fly over there.
Sigh… I hope none of the pictures from tonight end up online. Please let me know if you find any.
Come on Sun, how can anyone trust you to manage their data centers when you’re not going to manage your own? Sounds like a bunch of losers throwing in the towel to me. Probably a good idea to sell any Sun stock now… Looks like Microsoft and sadly IBM will be gaining even more market share. What shall I do with the extra money? Maybe I’ll buy
If you were able, what country would you buy? Let me know in the comments and I just may buy it for you!
Saturday, January 12, 2008
After a grueling flight, I get there to see McConaughey and FSJ sitting in the living room smoking cigars and getting BJs from the two hottest girls you've ever seen. Who the hell does that poor artist bastard think he is hangin’ out with my friend, smokin’ my cigar and receiving my BJ? Steve’s like, so Bill I heard you finally stole my blog idea too. That was it. I don’t remember how everything happened but the next thing I knew I was beating the shit out of him and McConaughey was pulling me off. Matt told me he was so sorry for causing me all the trouble of coming out to see him that he wanted to give me the opportunity to beat the crap out of my enemy. We had a great laugh over it. At least he got something right.
Steve didn’t have any money to get home and since I felt bad about giving him a concussion I let him use the Windows plane. What a loser. Didn’t hear him making any jokes about the Windows plane crashing.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Thursday, January 10, 2008
We’ve had some good times Jeff: CES after party, the hookers in TJ, and most importantly stopping Ballmer from doing lines on the urinal with Jobs.
Oh well, let’s go through the qualifications list.
Preferably has the name “Steve”...Check
I guess Stephen Elop will do. He has an artsy fartsy background which those Mac crazies will like.
Go ahead and comment where you think the next Sillicon Valley will be. I'll have my people check out the number one choice.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
FSJ thought she was finished, ha! Check this out. He was just pissed because CES is going to make MacWorld look like the ignored middle child who releases their Mac Pro and Xserve upgrades early to try and steal your thunder. Come on Steve, have a little class.