Time

Aight peeps, the time has come, I need a leave of absence from my blog.  Since this blog (simple as it may be) actually takes a good amount of time and attention, I've let Microsoft slide downhill.  Yes, Steve Ballmer has actually been running it which has been a disaster.  Live well, be well.

Yahoo! It's over right?

I may point out Ballmer's shortcomings bluntly and often, but ultimately the guy's in charge for a reason.  We have a plan and will execute that plan.  Isn't it funny how FSJ and everyone else keeps going back an forth on what they think is going on?  Come on people we're Microsoft, we run shit here.

Tonight

Warning: This one's not for the kiddies.

It's a cool rainy night tonight in Tokyo.  Yes Tokyo.  When you're a rich son of a bitch like me you can fly here just for the night.  Melinda and I went out for dinner, a few drinks and a dance or two.  The night was young, the mood was good.  As we're walking down the busy street some hoodlum grabs Melinda pulls her into an alley and starts shouting at me in Chinese.  I'm like "Dude, do you think I know what the fuck you're saying?"  He takes me off guard by responding English "Well you'd better learn fast bitch!"  

WTF??? That voice sounds familiar!  I'm all "Jerry you piece of shit is that you?"  He replies in a terribly faked accent "You don't know who I am, but we know you.  Leave Yahoo! alone if you ever want to see your wife again."  

I'll go ahead and take a minute to explain just how uncool this is.  In Silicon Valley, a lot of crazy shit goes down every day, we call that business.  However, there's a very simple code which is respected by everyone.  Rule 1. Make a shitload of cash.  Rule 2.  Never involve your family or the family of others in business matters or problems.  Ever!  

Rule number two is pretty much what separates us from the mafia.  Can you believe that out of line Chinese fuck?!

Anyway, just to keep him distracted, "Jerry baby, you're totally right.  We need to leave Yahoo! the fuck alone.  You'll hear a statement tomorrow from Ballmer apologizing for the whole thing."  

Even in the dark, you could easily make out a big smile on Jerry's ugly face.  He says "That's good real good, now say I'm you're daddy..."  The tranquilizer dart appeared so quickly in Jerry's throat it took me by surprise despite the fact I was waiting for it.  

Come on people... do you guys know what I'm worth?  Do you really think we just walk around without snipers watching?  He's lucky I put a red light on his ass or else that would have been a bullet, not a tranquilizer dart.  I told the guys to cut off one of his balls and send it to me in a refrigerated container but make sure Jerry was ultimately fine.  

Why not kill him?  Way too easy; I like to crush my opponent, not have him killed.  Oh Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry, if you would have just asked nicely I would have gladly made sure you still kept both balls.  Now look what you made me do!   

Holy shit this is so cool

Ladies and gents it feels like drinking acid to take something FSJ already has on his blog and put it here, but my first obligation comes to my readers (well not really, but you are considered sometimes) and you guys must check out the video below.  We're going to hire him to come and play at the Microsoft campus, just imagine the press!

Yahoo!, prepare to be boarded

Ok guys, we're not fucking around anymore.  I'm sick of this dying company pretending like they can push around the bully.  Get this straight: Microsoft is the tough kid 'round here, you're just a pathetic online email provider and search engine who is getting spanked by the other tough kid from across town.  All we're going to do is come in and help fend him off.  It's kind of like Silicon Valley is a prison and Google is the Nazi gang who wants to rape you, but we're the big black guys who say, "This is my bitch, you mess with Yahoo you mess with me!"  Does that help?  Believe me Jerry, Google's just eyeing you and thinking: "You have a pretty mouth boy."  So as my friend Tom says, help me help you. 

     

Quarterly Earnings

You would not believe how much shit I'm catching for our quarterly earnings.  It's hard sometimes to realize how much normal people care about money.  Dave Chappelle said it best: "I'm rich bitch!"  

Look people, I'm busy saving the planet, doing some good for the world; not just trying to make rich investors richer.  If you want to bitch send an email to the CEO at steve@microsoft.com

Right now, the Bill & Melinda Gates foundation in partnership with Microsoft is working on a cure for AIDS that can only be delivered via machines running our OS.  Do you have any idea what that's going to do to sales?  Then we'll be saving the planet and making investors happy.  Sorry it's taking so long guys but get a flipin' grip already.

A Good Day

I woke up to the sound of birds chirping happily in anticipation for the day while the smell of breakfast filled my nose.  The kind of stuff that tells you it's just going to be an awesome day.  Since the whole purif rundown, everything has been put in a more peaceful perspective.  I feel so clean inside, all of the drugs, alcohol and smog has been totally wiped from my system.  

Ballmer and I just played Guitar Hero in my office all day.  This was a much deserved break after the project we just finished yesterday.  Forgive me for keeping it a secret but you'll know what it is before the year is over.   

Also, I'm thinking about doing a triathlon, anybody have advice about getting started?     

Only 24 hours in a day

Hey guys, sorry for being out of touch, but I'm runnin' flippin' Microsoft ok?  Get over it.  I'll be back soon.

Offensive or funny?

Xbox and Mac

I'm not sure how I should feel about this guy.  He's an Xbox user and a Mac user.  WTF?  Are there a lot of people out there who use Macs and Xbox?  Maybe I should start trying to create a Halo effect for the Xbox and PC.  

Anywhoo, this story totally supports my point about the internet being the future of everything which I was saying since before there even was an internet.

Getting past the bouncer can be tough

I was chillin' with some of the developers last night having a few beers and just shootin' the shit.  Anywhoo, I asked them why they weren't out hitting the clubs trying to score some women.  They just laughed and explained how difficult it was for them to get in anywhere.  I forget sometimes that everyone isn't me and can just get in anywhere, whenever.  After some thought and searching online for a solution, I found the answer.  (See video below).  It's totally working for these guys and they're happier and more productive than ever.  Who knows, maybe we will release Windows 7 next year.

Windows 7

Whether they're talking shit or giving us high fives, people love to talk about Microsoft.  We can't go to lunch without it becoming news.  

I told one of these news people Windows 7 will be here in a year or so, and everyone's going nuts!  Lesson to all the noobs out there, when a software company gives a flexible time range for product release it's always later rather than sooner.  But now everyone's starting to get all excited about Windows 7 which is going to just blow people away.  I'll take some time off from the foundation to really go and be a part of the fanfare at the release.

Wait for it...

Go ahead and take the time to actually watch all of this, it's just funny.  Hmmmm... we could use some help with the recon at Apple.

Buying A Home?

For all you people out there who don't have billions of dollars and need home loans, check this out.  I've heard many employees complain about the incessant phone calls or emails they get from salespeople 'cause they submitted information online for home loans and other things.  

If this new business works out, we might want to look into acquiring Zillow...   

How to revive a joke

She's f*@&ing Obama!

Aren't these Mac ads getting old?

Have you seen the new "Breakthrough" ad for mac?  These commercials are like your little brother telling you everyday how he's going to kick your ass, but when push comes to shove nothing happens.  

Check out what's "Surfacing" in at&t stores

It has begun; the time of Microsoft innovation is upon the world.  This is the next big Microsoft milestone for being a true innovator.  I've been waiting for the day Apple copies us for a long time, and that day is near.

Mini Me

This just makes me feel good.  It's funny, despite how much Mac claims to be superior and the number one "education company" Windows is still everywhere.  I'm totally donating software to this kid's school in exchange for an employment contract when he graduates high school.  Yeah, that's right, high school.  Hell, he could replace Ballmer in a couple of years.

Let the healing begin

First read this short article.

Don't get me wrong, Obama is the flippin' man, but "We're trying to find out the right approaches for accountability, but at the same time try to heal wounds that have occurred and allow the campus to move ahead." is overdoing it.  People, they're a bunch of flippin' college kids screwing around.  It's funny how everyone is taking college kids so seriously since so many of them are becoming filthy rich with the businesses they start.  (A trend that I pioneered thank you very much).  I had the opposite problem when I was at Harvard.

Anyway, relax people.  Obama said he was LMAO while reading about it.  Don't let distractions about race distract you from the real enemy; Hillbilly Clinton.

Open Minded?

Microsoft has this new image of innovating and being open minded which is doing a really good job of pissing off all the Apple freaks.  So my question to you is:  Should I be open minded, or are these people just f*@&ing crazy?

Hmmmm I'm getting my ass kicked, what should I do?

Mom, I do appreciate that this is a crappy situation.  But come on, you're putting your son on national TV and telling everyone his peers are kicking the shit out of him.  Now he can't go anywhere and start over; as you said yourself, the lawsuit hasn't stopped the kids from beating him.  Just put your son in Tae Kwon Do dammit!  Teach him to defend himself!  Not everyone is a billionaire and can afford top notch security.  

Sorry guys, I guess that's the parent in me coming out.  What would you guys do?     

The lady doth protest too much

Here is a move by Yahoo! to make it look like they are doing exciting new things that will help them grow and bring value to the company.  Basically they're approaching Google, getting on their knees, and hoping to be protected from big bad Microsoft.  Playing hard to get is possible but it's getting ridiculous.  Good luck Yahoo!, we hope you enjoy gurgling for Google.

Xbox Live Police Kick Ass

Larry Hyrb is definitely getting a bonus for this.  We can't have people going in and pissing off the nerds who work so hard to earn their place in the Xbox Live dimension.  They escape from reality into a world where it doesn't matter if you're 400 lbs and a high school drop out, you can still kill all the bad guys and get all the chicks.  

It's not real... It's not real...

So you want to hang on to a monopoly, believe me I understand!  But you won't get there by pretending there isn't any competition.  You bleep out a DJ for saying Sirius and XM???  US Market to Clear Channel, start innovating!  

Microsoft Apps On The iPhone?

Yes of course we're developing apps for the iPhone.  I have never been too proud to capture revenue and am certainly not about to start.  This is simply about bringing value to consumers while making the dollas, which Microsoft will always do.  We love taking money from Apple zombies.  Our apps will be top sellers on the new apps store which will force Steve to acknowledge us in his little speeches even though he really feels like telling us to go to hell.  This is good for him though, it's a little reminder who daddy is. 

 

Text Spam

Spam via text message?  That blows.  The people responsible for this must have really big balls or be shitting bricks.  The Chinese government doesn't mess around; they've executed people for less and it's public.  None of this lethal injection nonsense.  Check this out.  Warning graphic photos!!!

Anyway, I'm sure there weren't any Windows mobile users affected.  

Sirius-XM Merger

The justice department cleared Sirius and XM to merge.  Nice!  This is going to help drive people away from traditional radio stations and start looking at other options.  I have a feeling Zune will be able to pick up a nice portion of that slippage and we may be able to work out some kind of partnership with Sirius/XM in the future.  iPod is sooooooo last year.  Namaste FSJ. I honor the place where Zune kicks the shit out of your iPod.  

Apple Faithful

I have to admit Apple has affected the world in some really amazing ways and things just wouldn't be the same without them.  The most amazing thing about Apple is the Apple faithful (as FSJ likes to call them).  See here.  This quote pretty much says it all though: "Anybody who has ever written about Apple products will tell the same story — introducing even a hint of negativity into a review or article will bring down the wrath of Apple’s most fanatical fans."  Apple has this way of explaining their short comings as features or someone else's fault and it gets to be just a little bit ridiculous.  This brings success to Apple but ultimately limits their potential.  I'm sure most of you have heard nothing but negative crap in the media about Microsoft and Vista, however we continue to grow in revenue, profits and global market share.  Things have been great actually.  Apple forgets it's not just what people think about you, but also how many people are buying your stuff.  Here's to the bottom line. 

Happy Easter

An oldie, but a goodie.  Happy Easter everybody!

Q&A

Alright, alright...  If you remember my earlier post Hello? I said ask any question and you will receive an answer.  Well, someone had the balls to ask "Be honest Bill, who has the best operating system?" but didn't have the spine to say who he/she was.  I'm having some of my agents look into it as we speak.  In order to give a logical (yet ultimately obvious) answer we must first decide which operating systems to look at because even though you'd think people only use Windows, there's actually a long list of crap out there; even if they only have one or two users.  How about Vista, Mac OSX, and Ubuntu?  We're not going to compare more than three so let me know what you think.  Vista and OSX are going to be in there though. 

Saving the world one taxi ride at a time

Hey, for all you peeps down in San Fran check this cab company out.  Whenever I'm in the bay area it's all I use cause they're trying to make the world a better place.  Well... truth be told Microsoft has a limo for me but I'm going to have them paint it green and make it a hybrid.  How cool would that be?  Maybe I'll even get one of those hummer limos and turn it into a hybrid!  You know people, it feels good to help save the world, even when you're running it; or dare I say driving it.  

Oh hell yes!

This is awesome!  Do you guys see the potential?  The future possibilities?  I'm going to give these guys some private funding asap for a stake.  We're going to build up a Microsoft raid on Apple with this thing.  I can't do it in the real world but sure as hell can do it online.  Namaste Apple, I honor the place where your ass meets my foot!  We'll battle them with relevant weapons and tactics while they try and figure out how to use their iPods to zap us.  More as this develops.

  

You can't sue someone reluctantly

See here.  

Ok, rule number 1.  Don't sue suppliers unless they're pirating your stuff.  Rule number 2.  You can't reluctantly sue someone, you either sue them or you don't.  Everybody got that?  Okay good. There will be a pop quiz later.

Who wants some money?

This article is great.  She interviews like two people and feels it must be conclusive evidence.  What's more embarrassing is that Forbes actually ran this article and took her seriously.  You guys know what's even crazier?  Despite her limited research and overly assumptive conclusions she's actually right.  Giving money away does make you feel better than spending it on yourself.  Why do you think I started the Bill & Melinda Gates foundation?  Why do you think I'm leaving Microsoft to work there?  It's because I'm tired of all the critical bastards who give me ish day after day.  

So, if you want to feel better, donate money to Apple or something, they're going to need it.  

They say it's safe, I'll stick to my plane

Even though I don't go over to Australia much anymore after Lost premiered, I thought this was rather interesting.  What's crazy is that Qantas was totally begging me to be on the first flight after their test period or "soft opening" using this stuff.  I'm all, Hells to the no motha f@*kr!  People are going to die ese!  Don't get me wrong, once they're on version 6.0 or something I'm totally adding that functionality to the Windows plane but until then, faaa geit abatet!

Quick, to the Billcave!

Good help really is hard to find.  When you have a house like this you need a lot of help.  Anyone interested in joining my home staff see here. 

You guys want to know what's so cool about my house?  It's all of the stuff no one knows about.  The underground stuff.  When I say underground, I mean quite literally underground.  Anyone ever used to wish they had the batcave when they were a kid?  Yeah, well I dreamed that too, now I just have one.  I call it the Billcave; I go there to think, play and control the world.  

 

What is this, China?

So is this Google or the Chinese government?  (By the way, if you don't have a New York Times user ID it's free so just get one).  Maybe I should be worried about them shutting this blog down.  Remember boys and girls, don't question or slander Google's authority, only Microsoft's.  Anybody ever read 1984  ?  Apple should redo the below commercial to reflect Google.

Please tell me...

I'm going to go out on a limb here and pretend like I care about your opinions.  Who thinks we should have raised our offer for Yahoo! already?  Anybody?  Anybody?  Yeah, I'm tired of reading articles like this too.  Let me know what you guys think.

Happy St. Patty's Day

Fer ull ya drunkies, bay sef on Mondae!

The future president should be...

After countless hours of research, finally a decision has been made as to who the best candidate for president is.  The video below just made everything clear.  Watch it before you continue reading.



I know what some of you are thinking, and yes, surgery can do amazing things nowadays, but call me old fashioned, we should stick with what works.  Some are worried he's a terrorist.  Get a grip people, there's no way homeland security would ever let him get away with anything.  LOL!!!  Okay seriously, I'll tell you a secret.  When you're one of the three richest men in the world, congress gives you a button and when the security code is entered and the button pushed, it will essentially give the president a fatal heart attack.  I'm sure you're asking, why haven't you used it on George W?  Well if you look at history the good ole US of A has always needed a common enemy.  These common enemies also allow the tech industry freedom of scrutiny from your everyday average Joe.  Most people are just too busy to care what we do as long as they don't see us as the bad guys.  At first this enemy was Al Qada, now it's George himself.  I know, I might as well have told you Santa Claus isn't real.

Anyway, vote for Obama; he's the man.

Hello?

Aiiight, some are upset that I've addressed others questions or input but not their stuff.  Remember everybody, there are no stupid questions, only stupid people.  mmmkay?  I run freakin' Microsoft, okay?  I'm not going to answer: "What kind of underwear are you wearing?", or "How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a Tootsie Pop?".  Tell ya what, if you guys actually start leaving comments, I'll answer anything you ask.  Sound fair???

Busy Day

I was kinda busy yesterday...

Wear a Jimmy teenagers

I'm having a chastity belt made for my precious Jennifer.  Look at this.  I blame Lindsay Lohan personally.

Sunrise Sunset

I can't believe some people still don't see it coming.  Ever since Dell pissed me off, Michael has been crying for me to forgive him.  After letting the freak out set in for a couple of days, I told him he's going to need to buy Sun Microsystems and slowly phase out their software technology.  Microsoft is helping make this transition by forming a partnership with Sun.  This way I don't have to deal with all of the anti-trust litigation but still capture even more market share.  Fake Insider Trading Alert:  Buy Sun Microsystems stock.   

As I always say, It ain't checkers, it's chess.

Be afraid be very afraid

I love when the top dawgs acknowledge my power.  Jerry, stop pretending like you have options and sell.  

Give some credit

You know how Al Gore invented the internet?  Well, did you know that Larry Ellison invented the hostile take over?  Yeah I know, I was surprised to find that out too.

Best recognize

Yes it's true, Negroponte is still an idiot but at least realizes he needs to run daddy's operating system to get anywhere in this world.  He came crying to me after everything hit the fan.  I had a great time paddling him and making him say "Thank you sir!  May I have another?".  It was hilarious.

Who's your daddy?

I doesn't matter whether you're RIM or Apple, both know who rules the enterprise email world.  When I created Exchange I knew it would be something special.  Thanks Steve for at least not giving me crap about that.  

Just what the world needs

HD VMD sounds like some STD you need to protect yourself from.  All of the stupid people in the tech industry have been expressing themselves recently.  I guess they didn't listen to what Dad always used to say, "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."      

Light bulb

Hmmmmm...... Does this seem like a good idea to you?  I can just imagine a whole bunch of old farts trying to talk to kids who know more about computers and software then those guys will every know.  RSS feed?  Dual Core?  Terabyte?  Come on guys, get real.  I'm the oldest guy at Microsoft which is way younger than toothless in the picture of the linked article and they're kicking me out this year.  Increased profits and revenues aren't going to come from old people talking about how floppy disks used to be all the rage.

The World's Richest Man

I am not the world's richest man anymore, in fact I'm not even the second richest.  Many of you are wondering if that pisses me off and the answer is no.  Once you have as much money as I do it just doesn't matter.  Besides, Warren is one of my best bros and totally would give me the little bit of cash to make me the richest again anyway.  Besides, I can't really be effective working with the foundation if I have the label "Richest Man in the World".  People give you a lot of shit about it.  Trust me.  I just pissed away a few billion to get off of the top.   

Why fast food workers love the iPhone

Thankfully we don't have Boston Markets in WA.

Why do I use Blogger and Gmail?

"Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer"  nuff said.

What is software?

Reader Scott asks, what is software?  I guess it's a fair question to ask if you've been living under a rock for the last 20 years, but there's nothing I like talking about more than software.  Simply, if you imagine that God finished creating human bodies but decided not to create a soul for the body, you'll have a basic understanding of what a cell phone or computer would be without software.  Since I created the first software company and everyone uses my stuff many people say I'm like the software god who gives life to all electronic devices.  And they would be correct.  Try playing Halo without the software, the Xbox would only be a stupid box.  Software is like turning math into living creatures who make life more enjoyable for people; except for unskilled workers who end up losing their jobs because of it.  But that's why God gave us alcohol and why I gave us Xbox.

This is just stupid

Ok.  First read this.

Don't you understand by now the need to bank on software paired with the internet?  Let me ask, who wants to lug an oddly shaped computer around from their office to their home and proceed to hook it up to the entertainment center, then have to disconnect it the next morning and take it back to work where they connect it to the keyboard, mouse, monitor etc.?  Hello!  Use the internet to store the content genius and have cheaper machines in both places which can download and store the content; screw moving the storage device.  You're essentially carrying around a glorified hard drive.  Get a clue guys, if this were going to work it at the very least needs a built in LCD and input device.  

Respecting Women

The first step I'm taking is to try and respect women more. I found this cool educational video to help. 

Changing My Ways

I can't believe the way I've been living my life.  Something's got to change and that change will take effect immediately.  It all became clear to me today after a series of happenings.

The morning:
The pale light in the mansion woke me the way a searchlight does when someone shines it directly in your face.  My head felt like someone was striking it incessantly with a sledge hammer.  I could barely make out Jeeves saying good morning while placing the breakfast tray on my lap.  

The words on The Wall Street Journal were blurry as if someone had spilled water on my paper.  As I opened the closet to pick out my threads for the day, I saw Drew Barrymore naked and bound on the floor.  While I was trying to remember what the hell had happened the door bell rang downstairs.  Crap!  I had forgotten about the informal meeting with Justin Long.  (Hi, I'm a Mac).  Since Jeeves was already downstairs I didn't have time to change my instructions from yesterday of just letting him up when he arrives.  I heard Justin coming up the stairs and as I went to close the door to the closet Drew began to wake up and strain against her bindings.  Why was I meeting with Justin Long you ask?  To see if we could do some Zune commercials together.  Our legal guys figured out a hole in his contract with Apple and we are totally going to exploit it.  How did his girlfriend find herself naked and tied up in my closet?  I at this moment still have no f@*king clue.

So Justin and I talk for a while which is weird because I'm still in my robe but too afraid to go into the closet for something else.  (If you listened you could began to hear soft moans coming from the door).  Justin says he needs to take a piss and I happily tell him it's right next to the bedroom.  After he was out I threw open the closet door, ungagged Drew and asked her what the hell happened.  She gave me this flirty smile asked me back what didn't happen last night?  She's like, just untie me and I'll show you.  Meanwhile I hear the toilet flushing and tell her to be quiet because her boyfriend will be in the room in ten seconds.  She said sounds kinky as I closed the door.  I'm sure you're wondering how this ends so let me just say, for some reason God smiled on me and after several close calls Justin leaves not knowing his girlfriend was nude in my closet.  

Once I was on my way to work it became obvious the alcohol was still very present in my system so I tried to drive carefully.  Out of the side window a rainbow poked through the clouds which caused me to stare for far too long.  Yeah, you guessed it.  CRASH!  Actually it was a little more like "crash" but still.  The guy on the bike flew about ten or fifteen feet.  As I get out of the car and approach him I notice a bone is sticking out of his leg.  Right then I remembered what momma used to say, if you do something REALLY stupid, make sure to leave no evidence, throw money at it, and run.  So I light the unconscious man on fire, throw money in the flame and get my ass on the road.  In retrospect, I could have just burned his clothes, (don't want the cops finding flecks of car paint) left several thousand dollars and hit the road.  Oh well, live and learn.

The Afternoon:
During lunch I'm just dreaming about how good a drink would be but it's a working lunch with the board so all I could do was down a bunch of aspirin in the bathroom.  The board is all in a hissy because our stock is crashing and even though I know most of the tech stocks aren't doing well I make sure all of the blame is being assigned to Ballmer.  I mean, he's the CEO after all and I'm too busy with the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation to do anything about it.  Upon returning from lunch, my secretary tells me she has cancer.  I warmly tell her that everything will be alright and her insurance will take care of everything and during the time of treatments when she doesn't have hair I'll just have her help one of the other executives out.  (Come on, have you ever tried getting a BJ from a bald chick?  Yeah, I didn't think so).  She teared up a little but didn't say anything.  So a little bit later she buzzes me and says with an annoyed tone that she is passing President Bush through.  That bitch!  I told her not to ever let him through to me.  George is all huffed up and giving me a bunch of crap for not agreeing to support McCain.  He threatened me with even more anti-trust problems so I told him I'd think about it and call him back in an hour.

Next was my appointment with the Vista team.  My temper flared up and I sent a programmer to the hospital.  I'm told he has a minor concussion and will be fine in a week.  I sent him a few energy drinks and some dirty magazines, he was so grateful.  What a loser.

It had been a long day so I took four shots of JD to take the edge off.  Feeling relaxed I hopped on Xbox Live in one of the Halo 3 rooms and totally was kicking butt.  Before I know it, hours had passed and my general counsel calls to let me know we have just received about 100 new anti-trust suits.  Mother f@*cker!  I forgot to call George back, unfortunately the booze had done it's trick and made me forget about all the a-holes out there.  Oh well, there goes a couple billion Microsoft dollars out the door.  Live and learn.  Time to get away from the office.

The Evening:
After dropping off my car at a body work specialist who will keep his mouth shut, I took a limo to my yoga class.  FSJ told me this really works for him so I figured it was worth a try.  Unfortunately, class is hell and I just need to relax.  So I pick up a hooker on my way home and after doing a couple of lines in the limo, we arrive at casa de Gates.  We stumble up the stairs stripping as we go and crash through the bedroom door.  Now please keep in mind that Melinda and I have an understanding but when it's before 8:30 (the kids bedtime) all bets are off.  So of course when we come crashing through the door obviously high and completely naked while she's reading the kids a story it didn't sit well.  What was worse is that Melinda didn't go crazy.  She just calmly took the kids out of the room and closed the door.  




Conclusion:
So here it is, I've hit rock bottom, or at least I hope this is rock bottom.  Definitely in the doghouse.  I'm going to start anew.  Make a change.  Who knows?  Maybe this Scientology thing could work out.

Tom Cruise

The phone rings and it's Tom Cruise.  I do have to admit Tom and I have never really spoken so this is somewhat of a surprise to me.  Even though his work has always been impressive, I've been afraid to be associated with him because of all the bad press.  

So he's like Billy, you've got to come check out Scientology it'll change your life man.  You've got to go OT.  Well, I love fucking with Scientologists so I ask him to tell me more.  He starts talking about how we're all prisoners in our own bodies and we have to learn how to be free and clear but it all starts with putting our personal ethics in.  I'm like Tom, this sounds completely cool I just don't know if right now is a good time, which just got him all riled up.  He's all listen Bill, nows the time to take action, nows the time to start on your way to happiness, you've got to cross the bridge.  I said, well what is Scientology's purpose?  He's like it depends where you're at.  At first it just teaches you to improve conditions and make more money (must admit that caught my attention) and do better with your relationships.  I told him the money part sounded good but Melissa and I have an understanding and are doing great, besides, isn't it going to costs millions of dollars anyway?  So Tom says it may cost millions but you'll gain billions.  No one's ever gone broke from giving to Scientology.  

Well then we start talking about time commitment.  So I ask Tom about how much time it takes.  Oh Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, it doesn't take too long at all.  He then divulges that he typically spends about 40 hours a week working on Scientology but assures me I wouldn't need to spend nearly that much time at first.  I say I just can't do it.  Tom says I'm starting to enturbulate him.  And I'm all whatever that means!  So Tom goes help me, help you.  No joke he actually said that.  Then he starts repeating it.  Help me, help you Billy.  Help ME, Help YOU.  HELP ME, HELP YOU!  So I say Tom you have to show me the money.  He's all Show me the money!  This continues for about five minutes so Tom decides to switch tactics.  He says let's start slow Billy, let's take it nice and slow.  You can start by doing the Purif.  I ask what the hell the purif is and Tom explains the Purif or Purification rundown is where you go sit in a sauna, take a shitload of pills and jog every once in awhile.  He said it will completely clean me out from all of the drugs and all the other crap in my body.  I asked if it completely cleans me out why do the SeaOrg people not want to talk to me anymore because I did LSD.  He's like Bill, you're totally questioning source and that's completely uncool.  You're pissing LRH's thetan off as we speak.  So I apologize and say I'll do the purif just to see what this is all about.  He's so jazzed and says before you know it you'll be on course and on your way to OT.  Clear the planet!!!

I've decided this could be interesting.  More as this develops.

How to kill a joke

Yes, I can't believe it either but someone made another one.

Tyra Banks

I hope no one actually takes the time to watch this whole video but Tyra Banks is one crazy bitch!

Stalking

Ok, people totally stalk me all the time and I can't even tell you how many losers my security guys have had to kill to get them off my back.  So I guess it's not a surprise that the girls in the video below are doing the same thing to artsy fartsy bastard.  But here's the deal, it's not even him blondie!  

Jobs actually came over last night for dinner and we had a big laugh about this.  If you're wondering, the answer is yes we have made up after the beat down I gave him previously because he's been completely stoked about the Macbook Air.  I haven't broken it to him yet but have to say there's no way the Air is going to do well sales wise.  Seriously!  Who would buy that thing?  No CD/DVD drive, no ethernet, no processing power; I just don't see it happening.  

Anyway, after several drinks Steve was passed out on my couch and I totally shaved his eyebrows off.  If you happen to be stalking him like the girls below or just end up crossing paths let me know how fake his eyebrows look.  If you really have balls just ask him what happened and pray he doesn't bitch slap you.

Update: After finding out about his eyebrows Steve is once again pissed off at me.  

John McCain calls

and wants to know if I'll support him and his campaign.  He talks about being a POW and all the crazy ish that happened in his life.  Then he's like, Dude, (Yes he said dude.  I think he considers me a young man so thought it would help relate).  I graduated from the friggin Naval Academy.  Ever heard of it?  I just told him that's way cool and everything but I'm going to vote for one of the democrats.  McCain couldn't believe it, I had totally rained on his parade.  

This call did make me think though, I'd better decide who I'm going to support and vote for.  I mean FSJ has been supporting Obama for awhile.  Give me some comments on who you think it should be.

  

Lost

Okay, admission from the richest guy in the world.   I always say I never watch TV but Lost has me totally hooked.  I'm soooo excited about the new episode tonight at 9 pm pacific.  Who's your favorite character?  Mine's definitely Sayid; he kicks ass.

Crazy Japanese

Ever since we opened up our office in Japan I realized the Japanese were a little eccentric.  This article just further proves the point.  You wouldn't believe the crazy stuff we have to do over there just to keep a happy office environment.  You know how sometimes US offices have people wearing costumes to work on Halloween?  Now imagine that, but then think weirder, and everyday.  That's right, everyday.  What's more is the crazy off the wall way all Japanese emplyees decorate their office.  It's like walking into an Apple store to see the results of Steve Jobs on acid deciding it was a good idea to decorate.  All in all they make the dollas though so I guess we shouldn't complain too much.     

Fake Bill Gates

So I'm getting all these emails asking me why I don't call myself fake bill gates instead of fake beastmaster.  I'll just say once and for all that there are too many jerk offs out there pretending to be me.  You should know it's me from my writing and insight.  So whatevs.  Call me fake bill gates, fake beastmaster, fake hot dog on a stick.  Just know I'm the real deal.

Normally I don't call people

they call me, but I just finished watching Michael Clayton on my Zune player and had to talk to George Clooney.  I wasn't thrilled when No Country for Old Men won best picture but figured there weren't any other good movies out there this year.  Well that was before I saw Michael Clayton.  What an enjoyable movie with a truly superior script which George delivered amazingly.  When I told this to George he just laughed and said yeah it happens.  He's such a cool easy going guy and totally helped me out with my vid for CES.  

This isn't over.  I'm buying the Academy and having them issue an apology to the whole crew of Michael Clayton.  I'll keep you informed. 

Disney's Whoring Out Ariel & Friends

So little Phoebe comes up to me and says she wants to see Ariel onstage in "Naah Yek". 

 

I didn't hear about this until now but you guys have got to be kidding.  Disney, you milk every idea you have for every dollar you can get.  I mean, I'm friggin the head of Microsoft and even I think you're going too far.

Do have to admit Sierra Boggess is hot though.  Maybe I'll go see the show after all...

Here's some trivia for you

Who gets excited over old pieces of wood that were discovered on the Oregon shore after some severe storms eroded away part of the beach?  Answer: NPR 

This short article is about as exciting as the trivia question but what amazed me was this quote: "Geologists say the stumps in these ghost forests could be 4,000 to 80,000 years old."  Even though I have about 100 geologists on staff just for fun, I will admit I'm not a geologist.  However, why the hell do they get so much room for margin of error?  It's like me telling our shareholders we'll be anywhere from 50%-2000% of our sales projections for this quarter.  It's time we started demanding more from our scientists; let them know we're not willing to put up with this pull a hypothesis out of your ass anymore.  It's not acceptable in business so they shouldn't get away with it either.

The phone rings

and it's Spielberg wanting to chat for a minute.  He asked what I think about the new Indiana Jones movie and wanted me to be perfectly honest.  I'm like Steven, I think it's totally great and definitely the hot thing to do right now.  Stallone is raking in the money with Rocky & Rambo so there's no reason why this won't totally kick the crap out of those.  Then I'm like, besides it's really good to see you do some fun movies like Transformers and now Indiana Jones.  He's all excited and says they're totally going to use Windows machines in the movie.  I asked if they were done shooting and Steve said they were but had to do several appearances with Harrison Ford.  After hanging up, I went to the bathroom and told Harrison Ford to get his head out of the toilet and go to work.  

You're welcome America.

Multi-Touch

So is this Multi-Touch thing actually going to become a big deal?  One good thing about Apple is they're willing to do the market tests for you.  It's so convenient.

Lonely?

Okay, so last month I had one of those freak out times where I made the programmers pull an all nighter without a bathroom break and all week they've been kind of pissy ever since.  Which has been creating hell for everybody. 

Well, I'm not sure if you know this, but the Woz and I are actually still pretty good friends and will talk from time to time.  So I explained the situation to him and asked what I could do to make them happy.  That Woz sure knows his geek stuff let me tell you.

He had me introduce them to the video below and I offered to pay for one evening.  Let me tell you it won't happen again.  These geeks really racked up the bill even for Microsoft.  It is kind of nice though because now they're working harder than ever and pulling all nighters just because.  They made me promise to post this so nerds everywhere will be happy.  

Warning: If you are a nerd and have no job please do not watch this video!  (Trust me it's for your own good).

Obi Kenobi

I'm a Star Wars fan so had to put this up.

Dude, you're getting an HP

Michael, once you started shipping crap like Red Hat and Solaris you became dead to me.  Enjoy your uphill battle. 

Concerning the Oscars

Yes, I do enjoy watching the Oscars.  There's something about seeing all of the world's most famous people gathered in one place and having everybody make a huge deal about it while knowing you're worth more than all of them combined that just makes you feel good.  (Believe me it's a rush).  I was actually relatively pleased with Jon Stewart's performance.  What did you guys think?

  

Some of my peeps were having an Oscar party and wanted me to come but everyone had to dress up like a star present at the awards.  Why would I go and do something like that when 90% of them are coming to my after party?  I did consider showing up shit-faced and saying I was Cameron Diaz giving out the Cinematography award but actually had to stay sober last night.

Anyway, watching the Oscars is fun because you get to see a wide variety of emotion expressed by famous people whether spoken with words or simply shown in a look.  The tears of joy, drunken ramblings, and some of them just plain old pissed off.  But my favorite is the fake happiness most express when they lose; the Academy should give out an award just for who has the best fake happy reaction to losing.  When I lose (which only happens when I'm on vacation letting Steve Ballmer run things) standard protocol is to fire about ten people who really need the job, take away bathroom breaks for the programmers while they pull an all-nighter and hit the booze.  But these Hollywood guys really look like they were hoping the other guy was going to win.  Amazing.  

Hollywood is a big supporter of free speech, and don't get me wrong I'm all for it.  But that means when you give an old timer like Robert Boyle a microphone he's going to talk until his memory starts fading and even then he'll try to keep going.  At Microsoft we don't have time to let old people speak.  What new productive things do they have to say?  They'll just ramble on telling about how they used to work for a nickel an hour or something.  

I have to ask myself, why do normal people watch the Oscars?  Is it the same reason you all watch TMZ?  Do you want to see the famous "in real life"?  Maybe you only read my blog because you want to get to know the real me.  Anyway, most people don't give two shits about who wins what.  We should just scrap the Oscars and televise some event where actors, directors etc. can get up to talk about current events, politics and hobbies.  The only rule would be you have to have six drinks before you get up to speak; how bad ass would that be?  If someone were willing to produce it I guarantee them fake Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation will sponsor it.  Ultimately, the Oscar ratings aren't going to be anything impressive, if not just pathetic.  If they would have just teamed up with Microsoft utilizing Silverlight to deliver online video content things would have been different.  Maybe next year, if there is a next year...         

Guess who Jimmy's F*@king

Revenge is sooooo sweet.  A big shout out to reader Brian (even though he appears to use a Mac) for the heads up on this one. 

So Sarah Silverman calls

and says we're over.  She's like I can't believe you would tell everyone just like that about us going at it.  I'm like look, at least I didn't tell them about your crazy thing for Rosie O'Donnell and the time she just showed up expecting sex.  Seriously, I can understand being a lesbian but how could anyone ever feel a small attraction to the sexless wonder that is Rosie O'Donnell?  But that's kind of how Sarah is, going against the crowd and just being incredibly eccentric.  I mean come on, she uses a Mac.  How screwed up in the head do you have to be to do that?  She would insist we go up to the 10050 house on Cielo Drive and sing Helter Skelter at the top of our lungs.  She thinks it's totally normal but I just think she needs a positive role model in her life or something.  Guess it won't be me!

   

The phone rings

and it's Matt Damon asking me if I saw his hilarious little song with Sarah Silverman.  I watched it and laughed out loud.  If he only knew I am fucking Sarah Silverman...

Stuff White People Like

It's funny because it's true!

Goodbye Yahoo!

Who thinks I should fire Ballmer? Stuff like this is really pissing me off.  He has done a piss poor job from the beginning acting way the hell too cocky and parading around like an idiot.  Let me tell you Ballmer is never going to be allowed to handle something like this again.  I don't think I want Yahoo! anymore anyway. 

Fuckyoo Yahoo!

Happy Valentine's Day

Get the geeks what they want.  They're not expensive to shop for unless you want to get them a new home entertainment center.  Check this out.

Spread the love!  ML joystiq.com 

Don't Flash Me

Are you guys really adding Flash compatibility to the iPhone? Really? Are you nuts? The security vulnerabilities as well as the speed degradation that will cause seems like a risky move. Or maybe you're just going to wait until the 3G iPhones are released? No matter. Wait until we release our new Windows Mobile version and announce a partnership with ... well... I guess you'll just have to wait and see.

We're changing the world, one swallow at a time

Something little Stevey always rubs in my face is how Apple is changing the world by spitting out thousands of wrong ideas and how Microsoft doesn't change anything. I like to think slowly but surely we are changing the world at Microsoft.

See the world used to look like this:


And now it looks like this:

At Microsoft we don't "spit" we "swallow". Swallow up the little guy, give him no where to turn and then simply find a way to get our software on their machines. It's what we did to IBM, Apple, Palm and now Sony Ericsson. We swallow their hopes, their dreams and force feed the Microsoft Kool-Aid down their throats. Who should be next? RIM? Sun? Red Hat? Fake billion dollars to the person who can Photoshop what the world will look like in 10 years. (Think Microsoft and bigger).

Gates out!

Come to daddy

So Yahoo! is totally playing hard to get. Everyone thinks they care about more money for shareholders but they're really just trying to save face by talking tough to the media. Damn attention whores! It's kind of like negotiating with a hooker; except you don't only want her for one night, but for the rest of her life. And this particular hooker is married to the President of the United States or something so even though no one likes her except a select few, it's still a big deal in the media. Know what I mean?

I'm trying to stay back and let Ballmer handle this but he was never good at closing the deal with the ladies so I'm not sure if he can handle Yahoo!. He's all like, Bill don't worry about it I've been reading How to Get Your Dick Sucked for Dummies and I think it's really helping. When asked about improved BJ results seen from this he simply tells me it's going to be a good five years before he really starts seeing a return, which is funny because he said the same thing about Yahoo!. Sigh... If I really wanted to end this right away all I would have to do is make two phone calls. The first to my secretary so I can get some afternoon delight and the second to my hitmen who would make Yahoo! an offer they can't refuse. Jerry, I'm going to let Ballmer continue for now, but don't get greedy or else I'll go Godfather on your ass.

Make some money gents

Hey guys, if you want to start up your own company check this out; these guys know what they're talking about. Who knows? Maybe I'll end up buying the company from you. I'm wondering though, who out there has the next original big hit idea? (Besides me of course). You have the honor of making a pitch to the richest guy in the world. Let me hear something good!

Wow

Wow!

Interesting article

I guess will have to wait and see who wins to know for sure if Hillary is a PC. Any predictions?

Never doubt my power

Okay people, remember how I was bored and was thinking about buying Yahoo back on my January 11th post entitled "What to do now that CES is done"? Did you check the news today?

I've been reading all the news articles about our offer to Yahoo. Seeing some of the comments all these jack offs are leaving at the end of the articles are just hilarious! They're saying they will stop using Yahoo as their homepage if this goes through. I'm sure somewhere in their distorted sense of reality they believe it will actually make a difference. It's a numbers game people. It always has been. There is a small percentage of anti-social Microsoft haters who will abandon Yahoo and search for greener pastures (Get it? "Search"!) but we don't give a shit! We will grow tremendously in market share and eventually give Google a well deserved kick in the balls. We've been around since the beginning boys and chicas which shows we've passed the test of time in a rapidly changing market. Google will get old; hate to break it to you guys.

So why don't you run out and get me some cigarettes because I'm about to give Yahoo! the best screw of it's life. Followers and haters alike please feel free to comment with your opinions.

P.S. If you've fallen off the planet earth and haven't heard the news see here.

P.P.S. From now on Microsoft will use an unnecessary plethora of exclamation points in all published materials to help remind people we will be/practically are, Yahoo!

So Britney calls

And she’s all like, hey Bill you look really sexy whenever I see you on the news or whatever and you’re always trying to save the world and stuff. I’m like, Britney you’re lookin’ all coked out on the news, what’s goin’ on? She laughed this high pitched scary laugh and said she wasn’t coked out; she was Pepsi’ed out and having the time of her life without having to worry about her kids. I said it was probably better since she sucked balls at being a mother which brought on another scary laugh. She’s like, that’s another thing that makes you so sexy Bill; you can make a woman laugh and that’s important to any girl. Trying to deal with all of this paparazzi bullshit and put on a good face makes a woman feel bad about herself. Then she says she has some unbelievably awesome drugs from her psychiatrist and she wants to show me what her Pepsi dance looks like without anything on. I asked her which one and she tells me the one from the Pepsi commercial where Bob Dole is being a sorry old pervert. I said I’d be there in five…

Microsoft Infinity

We've sold over 100 million copies of Vista so stop dishing out the ish! Besides, just wait 'til you see what we're coming out with next. We've announced Microsoft Surface, we've announced the Teleporter, now I'm going to announce a 3d interactive gaming platform called the Xbox Infinity. What's even cooler is they're all the same device! (Think iPhone but "Infinitely" more amazing). We're still trying to figure out what the final device should look like and how big it should be. Any ideas guys? Photoshop something up and email it to me fakebeastmaster@gmail.com and I'll put the best one up on a post.

Macworld 2008

Ok Steve I understand your position, how can you improve upon last year’s keynote with the iPhone release? But come on, there are some minor software releases for the iPhone and AppleTv and you call them new products??? Sub par. Then there’s the Macbook Air; it looks like it will break just from people looking at it. Of course all of the fans in the crowd ahhhhhhh’ed over these things but they probably just felt they had to or else you would leave the stage in tears. I think you just over prepped and wore yourself out for the keynote because you looked like you were about to fall over. Maybe that’s because you skipped your morning snort, I don’t know but it was obvious something wasn’t right. And I have never in my life seen anyone more high out of his mind than Randy Newman at the end. Where can I get some of that shit? Seriously! And then O how sweet, he wants to say a few words in defense of our country… I’m sure that showed those European bastards!

All in all I can’t really put into words how to properly insult the keynote, but I think it does a pretty good job on its own. What did you guys think?

Check this out

I would now like to announce, Microsoft is releasing the all new, innovative, never before seen, MS Teleporter*!!! (Think Star Trek.) Suck on that, Macworld!

*due for release 2099

Sir Bill

So Elton John calls and is like, Sir Bill (yes I am also a knight) were those my lyrics you used for the title of your last post? I don’t want to lie so I just say yea... He’s all like, brilliant! I am so honored that you might think of my music to help represent yourself. Let’s put on some platform shoes and go out for a night on the town. I begin to tell him I have to go visit McConaughey when to my dismay, I hear a familiar voice in the background. Elton’s like, he’s already here and we’ve been trying on different costumes for hours! I just couldn’t come up with anymore excuses so I can either have Elton killed or fly over there.

Sigh… I hope none of the pictures from tonight end up online. Please let me know if you find any.

The Sun going down on me...

Come on Sun, how can anyone trust you to manage their data centers when you’re not going to manage your own? Sounds like a bunch of losers throwing in the towel to me. Probably a good idea to sell any Sun stock now… Looks like Microsoft and sadly IBM will be gaining even more market share. What shall I do with the extra money? Maybe I’ll buy Mexico or something, just for the hell of it. Mmmm, tacos.

If you were able, what country would you buy? Let me know in the comments and I just may buy it for you!

Think different

At Microsoft, we’re all about being different.