Monday, March 3, 2008

Changing My Ways

I can't believe the way I've been living my life.  Something's got to change and that change will take effect immediately.  It all became clear to me today after a series of happenings.

The morning:
The pale light in the mansion woke me the way a searchlight does when someone shines it directly in your face.  My head felt like someone was striking it incessantly with a sledge hammer.  I could barely make out Jeeves saying good morning while placing the breakfast tray on my lap.  

The words on The Wall Street Journal were blurry as if someone had spilled water on my paper.  As I opened the closet to pick out my threads for the day, I saw Drew Barrymore naked and bound on the floor.  While I was trying to remember what the hell had happened the door bell rang downstairs.  Crap!  I had forgotten about the informal meeting with Justin Long.  (Hi, I'm a Mac).  Since Jeeves was already downstairs I didn't have time to change my instructions from yesterday of just letting him up when he arrives.  I heard Justin coming up the stairs and as I went to close the door to the closet Drew began to wake up and strain against her bindings.  Why was I meeting with Justin Long you ask?  To see if we could do some Zune commercials together.  Our legal guys figured out a hole in his contract with Apple and we are totally going to exploit it.  How did his girlfriend find herself naked and tied up in my closet?  I at this moment still have no f@*king clue.

So Justin and I talk for a while which is weird because I'm still in my robe but too afraid to go into the closet for something else.  (If you listened you could began to hear soft moans coming from the door).  Justin says he needs to take a piss and I happily tell him it's right next to the bedroom.  After he was out I threw open the closet door, ungagged Drew and asked her what the hell happened.  She gave me this flirty smile asked me back what didn't happen last night?  She's like, just untie me and I'll show you.  Meanwhile I hear the toilet flushing and tell her to be quiet because her boyfriend will be in the room in ten seconds.  She said sounds kinky as I closed the door.  I'm sure you're wondering how this ends so let me just say, for some reason God smiled on me and after several close calls Justin leaves not knowing his girlfriend was nude in my closet.  

Once I was on my way to work it became obvious the alcohol was still very present in my system so I tried to drive carefully.  Out of the side window a rainbow poked through the clouds which caused me to stare for far too long.  Yeah, you guessed it.  CRASH!  Actually it was a little more like "crash" but still.  The guy on the bike flew about ten or fifteen feet.  As I get out of the car and approach him I notice a bone is sticking out of his leg.  Right then I remembered what momma used to say, if you do something REALLY stupid, make sure to leave no evidence, throw money at it, and run.  So I light the unconscious man on fire, throw money in the flame and get my ass on the road.  In retrospect, I could have just burned his clothes, (don't want the cops finding flecks of car paint) left several thousand dollars and hit the road.  Oh well, live and learn.

The Afternoon:
During lunch I'm just dreaming about how good a drink would be but it's a working lunch with the board so all I could do was down a bunch of aspirin in the bathroom.  The board is all in a hissy because our stock is crashing and even though I know most of the tech stocks aren't doing well I make sure all of the blame is being assigned to Ballmer.  I mean, he's the CEO after all and I'm too busy with the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation to do anything about it.  Upon returning from lunch, my secretary tells me she has cancer.  I warmly tell her that everything will be alright and her insurance will take care of everything and during the time of treatments when she doesn't have hair I'll just have her help one of the other executives out.  (Come on, have you ever tried getting a BJ from a bald chick?  Yeah, I didn't think so).  She teared up a little but didn't say anything.  So a little bit later she buzzes me and says with an annoyed tone that she is passing President Bush through.  That bitch!  I told her not to ever let him through to me.  George is all huffed up and giving me a bunch of crap for not agreeing to support McCain.  He threatened me with even more anti-trust problems so I told him I'd think about it and call him back in an hour.

Next was my appointment with the Vista team.  My temper flared up and I sent a programmer to the hospital.  I'm told he has a minor concussion and will be fine in a week.  I sent him a few energy drinks and some dirty magazines, he was so grateful.  What a loser.

It had been a long day so I took four shots of JD to take the edge off.  Feeling relaxed I hopped on Xbox Live in one of the Halo 3 rooms and totally was kicking butt.  Before I know it, hours had passed and my general counsel calls to let me know we have just received about 100 new anti-trust suits.  Mother f@*cker!  I forgot to call George back, unfortunately the booze had done it's trick and made me forget about all the a-holes out there.  Oh well, there goes a couple billion Microsoft dollars out the door.  Live and learn.  Time to get away from the office.

The Evening:
After dropping off my car at a body work specialist who will keep his mouth shut, I took a limo to my yoga class.  FSJ told me this really works for him so I figured it was worth a try.  Unfortunately, class is hell and I just need to relax.  So I pick up a hooker on my way home and after doing a couple of lines in the limo, we arrive at casa de Gates.  We stumble up the stairs stripping as we go and crash through the bedroom door.  Now please keep in mind that Melinda and I have an understanding but when it's before 8:30 (the kids bedtime) all bets are off.  So of course when we come crashing through the door obviously high and completely naked while she's reading the kids a story it didn't sit well.  What was worse is that Melinda didn't go crazy.  She just calmly took the kids out of the room and closed the door.  

So here it is, I've hit rock bottom, or at least I hope this is rock bottom.  Definitely in the doghouse.  I'm going to start anew.  Make a change.  Who knows?  Maybe this Scientology thing could work out.

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