The phone rings and it's Tom Cruise. I do have to admit Tom and I have never really spoken so this is somewhat of a surprise to me. Even though his work has always been impressive, I've been afraid to be associated with him because of all the bad press.
So he's like Billy, you've got to come check out Scientology it'll change your life man. You've got to go OT. Well, I love fucking with Scientologists so I ask him to tell me more. He starts talking about how we're all prisoners in our own bodies and we have to learn how to be free and clear but it all starts with putting our personal ethics in. I'm like Tom, this sounds completely cool I just don't know if right now is a good time, which just got him all riled up. He's all listen Bill, nows the time to take action, nows the time to start on your way to happiness, you've got to cross the bridge. I said, well what is Scientology's purpose? He's like it depends where you're at. At first it just teaches you to improve conditions and make more money (must admit that caught my attention) and do better with your relationships. I told him the money part sounded good but Melissa and I have an understanding and are doing great, besides, isn't it going to costs millions of dollars anyway? So Tom says it may cost millions but you'll gain billions. No one's ever gone broke from giving to Scientology.
Well then we start talking about time commitment. So I ask Tom about how much time it takes. Oh Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, it doesn't take too long at all. He then divulges that he typically spends about 40 hours a week working on Scientology but assures me I wouldn't need to spend nearly that much time at first. I say I just can't do it. Tom says I'm starting to enturbulate him. And I'm all whatever that means! So Tom goes help me, help you. No joke he actually said that. Then he starts repeating it. Help me, help you Billy. Help ME, Help YOU. HELP ME, HELP YOU! So I say Tom you have to show me the money. He's all Show me the money! This continues for about five minutes so Tom decides to switch tactics. He says let's start slow Billy, let's take it nice and slow. You can start by doing the Purif. I ask what the hell the purif is and Tom explains the Purif or Purification rundown is where you go sit in a sauna, take a shitload of pills and jog every once in awhile. He said it will completely clean me out from all of the drugs and all the other crap in my body. I asked if it completely cleans me out why do the SeaOrg people not want to talk to me anymore because I did LSD. He's like Bill, you're totally questioning source and that's completely uncool. You're pissing LRH's thetan off as we speak. So I apologize and say I'll do the purif just to see what this is all about. He's so jazzed and says before you know it you'll be on course and on your way to OT. Clear the planet!!!
I've decided this could be interesting. More as this develops.