Friday, May 2, 2008


Warning: This one's not for the kiddies.

It's a cool rainy night tonight in Tokyo.  Yes Tokyo.  When you're a rich son of a bitch like me you can fly here just for the night.  Melinda and I went out for dinner, a few drinks and a dance or two.  The night was young, the mood was good.  As we're walking down the busy street some hoodlum grabs Melinda pulls her into an alley and starts shouting at me in Chinese.  I'm like "Dude, do you think I know what the fuck you're saying?"  He takes me off guard by responding English "Well you'd better learn fast bitch!"  

WTF??? That voice sounds familiar!  I'm all "Jerry you piece of shit is that you?"  He replies in a terribly faked accent "You don't know who I am, but we know you.  Leave Yahoo! alone if you ever want to see your wife again."  
I'll go ahead and take a minute to explain just how uncool this is.  In Silicon Valley, a lot of crazy shit goes down every day, we call that business.  However, there's a very simple code which is respected by everyone.  Rule 1. Make a shitload of cash.  Rule 2.  Never involve your family or the family of others in business matters or problems.  Ever!  
Rule number two is pretty much what separates us from the mafia.  Can you believe that out of line Chinese fuck?!

Anyway, just to keep him distracted, "Jerry baby, you're totally right.  We need to leave Yahoo! the fuck alone.  You'll hear a statement tomorrow from Ballmer apologizing for the whole thing."  
Even in the dark, you could easily make out a big smile on Jerry's ugly face.  He says "That's good real good, now say I'm you're daddy..."  The tranquilizer dart appeared so quickly in Jerry's throat it took me by surprise despite the fact I was waiting for it.  
Come on people... do you guys know what I'm worth?  Do you really think we just walk around without snipers watching?  He's lucky I put a red light on his ass or else that would have been a bullet, not a tranquilizer dart.  I told the guys to cut off one of his balls and send it to me in a refrigerated container but make sure Jerry was ultimately fine.  
Why not kill him?  Way too easy; I like to crush my opponent, not have him killed.  Oh Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry, if you would have just asked nicely I would have gladly made sure you still kept both balls.  Now look what you made me do!   

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