Q&A

Alright, alright...  If you remember my earlier post Hello? I said ask any question and you will receive an answer.  Well, someone had the balls to ask "Be honest Bill, who has the best operating system?" but didn't have the spine to say who he/she was.  I'm having some of my agents look into it as we speak.  In order to give a logical (yet ultimately obvious) answer we must first decide which operating systems to look at because even though you'd think people only use Windows, there's actually a long list of crap out there; even if they only have one or two users.  How about Vista, Mac OSX, and Ubuntu?  We're not going to compare more than three so let me know what you think.  Vista and OSX are going to be in there though. 

Saving the world one taxi ride at a time

Hey, for all you peeps down in San Fran check this cab company out.  Whenever I'm in the bay area it's all I use cause they're trying to make the world a better place.  Well... truth be told Microsoft has a limo for me but I'm going to have them paint it green and make it a hybrid.  How cool would that be?  Maybe I'll even get one of those hummer limos and turn it into a hybrid!  You know people, it feels good to help save the world, even when you're running it; or dare I say driving it.  

Oh hell yes!

This is awesome!  Do you guys see the potential?  The future possibilities?  I'm going to give these guys some private funding asap for a stake.  We're going to build up a Microsoft raid on Apple with this thing.  I can't do it in the real world but sure as hell can do it online.  Namaste Apple, I honor the place where your ass meets my foot!  We'll battle them with relevant weapons and tactics while they try and figure out how to use their iPods to zap us.  More as this develops.

  

You can't sue someone reluctantly

See here.  

Ok, rule number 1.  Don't sue suppliers unless they're pirating your stuff.  Rule number 2.  You can't reluctantly sue someone, you either sue them or you don't.  Everybody got that?  Okay good. There will be a pop quiz later.

Who wants some money?

This article is great.  She interviews like two people and feels it must be conclusive evidence.  What's more embarrassing is that Forbes actually ran this article and took her seriously.  You guys know what's even crazier?  Despite her limited research and overly assumptive conclusions she's actually right.  Giving money away does make you feel better than spending it on yourself.  Why do you think I started the Bill & Melinda Gates foundation?  Why do you think I'm leaving Microsoft to work there?  It's because I'm tired of all the critical bastards who give me ish day after day.  

So, if you want to feel better, donate money to Apple or something, they're going to need it.  

They say it's safe, I'll stick to my plane

Even though I don't go over to Australia much anymore after Lost premiered, I thought this was rather interesting.  What's crazy is that Qantas was totally begging me to be on the first flight after their test period or "soft opening" using this stuff.  I'm all, Hells to the no motha f@*kr!  People are going to die ese!  Don't get me wrong, once they're on version 6.0 or something I'm totally adding that functionality to the Windows plane but until then, faaa geit abatet!

Quick, to the Billcave!

Good help really is hard to find.  When you have a house like this you need a lot of help.  Anyone interested in joining my home staff see here. 

You guys want to know what's so cool about my house?  It's all of the stuff no one knows about.  The underground stuff.  When I say underground, I mean quite literally underground.  Anyone ever used to wish they had the batcave when they were a kid?  Yeah, well I dreamed that too, now I just have one.  I call it the Billcave; I go there to think, play and control the world.  

 

What is this, China?

So is this Google or the Chinese government?  (By the way, if you don't have a New York Times user ID it's free so just get one).  Maybe I should be worried about them shutting this blog down.  Remember boys and girls, don't question or slander Google's authority, only Microsoft's.  Anybody ever read 1984  ?  Apple should redo the below commercial to reflect Google.

Please tell me...

I'm going to go out on a limb here and pretend like I care about your opinions.  Who thinks we should have raised our offer for Yahoo! already?  Anybody?  Anybody?  Yeah, I'm tired of reading articles like this too.  Let me know what you guys think.

Happy St. Patty's Day

Fer ull ya drunkies, bay sef on Mondae!

The future president should be...

After countless hours of research, finally a decision has been made as to who the best candidate for president is.  The video below just made everything clear.  Watch it before you continue reading.



I know what some of you are thinking, and yes, surgery can do amazing things nowadays, but call me old fashioned, we should stick with what works.  Some are worried he's a terrorist.  Get a grip people, there's no way homeland security would ever let him get away with anything.  LOL!!!  Okay seriously, I'll tell you a secret.  When you're one of the three richest men in the world, congress gives you a button and when the security code is entered and the button pushed, it will essentially give the president a fatal heart attack.  I'm sure you're asking, why haven't you used it on George W?  Well if you look at history the good ole US of A has always needed a common enemy.  These common enemies also allow the tech industry freedom of scrutiny from your everyday average Joe.  Most people are just too busy to care what we do as long as they don't see us as the bad guys.  At first this enemy was Al Qada, now it's George himself.  I know, I might as well have told you Santa Claus isn't real.

Anyway, vote for Obama; he's the man.

Hello?

Aiiight, some are upset that I've addressed others questions or input but not their stuff.  Remember everybody, there are no stupid questions, only stupid people.  mmmkay?  I run freakin' Microsoft, okay?  I'm not going to answer: "What kind of underwear are you wearing?", or "How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a Tootsie Pop?".  Tell ya what, if you guys actually start leaving comments, I'll answer anything you ask.  Sound fair???

Busy Day

I was kinda busy yesterday...

Wear a Jimmy teenagers

I'm having a chastity belt made for my precious Jennifer.  Look at this.  I blame Lindsay Lohan personally.

Sunrise Sunset

I can't believe some people still don't see it coming.  Ever since Dell pissed me off, Michael has been crying for me to forgive him.  After letting the freak out set in for a couple of days, I told him he's going to need to buy Sun Microsystems and slowly phase out their software technology.  Microsoft is helping make this transition by forming a partnership with Sun.  This way I don't have to deal with all of the anti-trust litigation but still capture even more market share.  Fake Insider Trading Alert:  Buy Sun Microsystems stock.   

As I always say, It ain't checkers, it's chess.

Be afraid be very afraid

I love when the top dawgs acknowledge my power.  Jerry, stop pretending like you have options and sell.  

Give some credit

You know how Al Gore invented the internet?  Well, did you know that Larry Ellison invented the hostile take over?  Yeah I know, I was surprised to find that out too.

Best recognize

Yes it's true, Negroponte is still an idiot but at least realizes he needs to run daddy's operating system to get anywhere in this world.  He came crying to me after everything hit the fan.  I had a great time paddling him and making him say "Thank you sir!  May I have another?".  It was hilarious.

Who's your daddy?

I doesn't matter whether you're RIM or Apple, both know who rules the enterprise email world.  When I created Exchange I knew it would be something special.  Thanks Steve for at least not giving me crap about that.  

Just what the world needs

HD VMD sounds like some STD you need to protect yourself from.  All of the stupid people in the tech industry have been expressing themselves recently.  I guess they didn't listen to what Dad always used to say, "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."      

Light bulb

Hmmmmm...... Does this seem like a good idea to you?  I can just imagine a whole bunch of old farts trying to talk to kids who know more about computers and software then those guys will every know.  RSS feed?  Dual Core?  Terabyte?  Come on guys, get real.  I'm the oldest guy at Microsoft which is way younger than toothless in the picture of the linked article and they're kicking me out this year.  Increased profits and revenues aren't going to come from old people talking about how floppy disks used to be all the rage.

The World's Richest Man

I am not the world's richest man anymore, in fact I'm not even the second richest.  Many of you are wondering if that pisses me off and the answer is no.  Once you have as much money as I do it just doesn't matter.  Besides, Warren is one of my best bros and totally would give me the little bit of cash to make me the richest again anyway.  Besides, I can't really be effective working with the foundation if I have the label "Richest Man in the World".  People give you a lot of shit about it.  Trust me.  I just pissed away a few billion to get off of the top.   

Why fast food workers love the iPhone

Thankfully we don't have Boston Markets in WA.

Why do I use Blogger and Gmail?

"Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer"  nuff said.

What is software?

Reader Scott asks, what is software?  I guess it's a fair question to ask if you've been living under a rock for the last 20 years, but there's nothing I like talking about more than software.  Simply, if you imagine that God finished creating human bodies but decided not to create a soul for the body, you'll have a basic understanding of what a cell phone or computer would be without software.  Since I created the first software company and everyone uses my stuff many people say I'm like the software god who gives life to all electronic devices.  And they would be correct.  Try playing Halo without the software, the Xbox would only be a stupid box.  Software is like turning math into living creatures who make life more enjoyable for people; except for unskilled workers who end up losing their jobs because of it.  But that's why God gave us alcohol and why I gave us Xbox.

This is just stupid

Ok.  First read this.

Don't you understand by now the need to bank on software paired with the internet?  Let me ask, who wants to lug an oddly shaped computer around from their office to their home and proceed to hook it up to the entertainment center, then have to disconnect it the next morning and take it back to work where they connect it to the keyboard, mouse, monitor etc.?  Hello!  Use the internet to store the content genius and have cheaper machines in both places which can download and store the content; screw moving the storage device.  You're essentially carrying around a glorified hard drive.  Get a clue guys, if this were going to work it at the very least needs a built in LCD and input device.  

Respecting Women

The first step I'm taking is to try and respect women more. I found this cool educational video to help. 

Changing My Ways

I can't believe the way I've been living my life.  Something's got to change and that change will take effect immediately.  It all became clear to me today after a series of happenings.

The morning:
The pale light in the mansion woke me the way a searchlight does when someone shines it directly in your face.  My head felt like someone was striking it incessantly with a sledge hammer.  I could barely make out Jeeves saying good morning while placing the breakfast tray on my lap.  

The words on The Wall Street Journal were blurry as if someone had spilled water on my paper.  As I opened the closet to pick out my threads for the day, I saw Drew Barrymore naked and bound on the floor.  While I was trying to remember what the hell had happened the door bell rang downstairs.  Crap!  I had forgotten about the informal meeting with Justin Long.  (Hi, I'm a Mac).  Since Jeeves was already downstairs I didn't have time to change my instructions from yesterday of just letting him up when he arrives.  I heard Justin coming up the stairs and as I went to close the door to the closet Drew began to wake up and strain against her bindings.  Why was I meeting with Justin Long you ask?  To see if we could do some Zune commercials together.  Our legal guys figured out a hole in his contract with Apple and we are totally going to exploit it.  How did his girlfriend find herself naked and tied up in my closet?  I at this moment still have no f@*king clue.

So Justin and I talk for a while which is weird because I'm still in my robe but too afraid to go into the closet for something else.  (If you listened you could began to hear soft moans coming from the door).  Justin says he needs to take a piss and I happily tell him it's right next to the bedroom.  After he was out I threw open the closet door, ungagged Drew and asked her what the hell happened.  She gave me this flirty smile asked me back what didn't happen last night?  She's like, just untie me and I'll show you.  Meanwhile I hear the toilet flushing and tell her to be quiet because her boyfriend will be in the room in ten seconds.  She said sounds kinky as I closed the door.  I'm sure you're wondering how this ends so let me just say, for some reason God smiled on me and after several close calls Justin leaves not knowing his girlfriend was nude in my closet.  

Once I was on my way to work it became obvious the alcohol was still very present in my system so I tried to drive carefully.  Out of the side window a rainbow poked through the clouds which caused me to stare for far too long.  Yeah, you guessed it.  CRASH!  Actually it was a little more like "crash" but still.  The guy on the bike flew about ten or fifteen feet.  As I get out of the car and approach him I notice a bone is sticking out of his leg.  Right then I remembered what momma used to say, if you do something REALLY stupid, make sure to leave no evidence, throw money at it, and run.  So I light the unconscious man on fire, throw money in the flame and get my ass on the road.  In retrospect, I could have just burned his clothes, (don't want the cops finding flecks of car paint) left several thousand dollars and hit the road.  Oh well, live and learn.

The Afternoon:
During lunch I'm just dreaming about how good a drink would be but it's a working lunch with the board so all I could do was down a bunch of aspirin in the bathroom.  The board is all in a hissy because our stock is crashing and even though I know most of the tech stocks aren't doing well I make sure all of the blame is being assigned to Ballmer.  I mean, he's the CEO after all and I'm too busy with the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation to do anything about it.  Upon returning from lunch, my secretary tells me she has cancer.  I warmly tell her that everything will be alright and her insurance will take care of everything and during the time of treatments when she doesn't have hair I'll just have her help one of the other executives out.  (Come on, have you ever tried getting a BJ from a bald chick?  Yeah, I didn't think so).  She teared up a little but didn't say anything.  So a little bit later she buzzes me and says with an annoyed tone that she is passing President Bush through.  That bitch!  I told her not to ever let him through to me.  George is all huffed up and giving me a bunch of crap for not agreeing to support McCain.  He threatened me with even more anti-trust problems so I told him I'd think about it and call him back in an hour.

Next was my appointment with the Vista team.  My temper flared up and I sent a programmer to the hospital.  I'm told he has a minor concussion and will be fine in a week.  I sent him a few energy drinks and some dirty magazines, he was so grateful.  What a loser.

It had been a long day so I took four shots of JD to take the edge off.  Feeling relaxed I hopped on Xbox Live in one of the Halo 3 rooms and totally was kicking butt.  Before I know it, hours had passed and my general counsel calls to let me know we have just received about 100 new anti-trust suits.  Mother f@*cker!  I forgot to call George back, unfortunately the booze had done it's trick and made me forget about all the a-holes out there.  Oh well, there goes a couple billion Microsoft dollars out the door.  Live and learn.  Time to get away from the office.

The Evening:
After dropping off my car at a body work specialist who will keep his mouth shut, I took a limo to my yoga class.  FSJ told me this really works for him so I figured it was worth a try.  Unfortunately, class is hell and I just need to relax.  So I pick up a hooker on my way home and after doing a couple of lines in the limo, we arrive at casa de Gates.  We stumble up the stairs stripping as we go and crash through the bedroom door.  Now please keep in mind that Melinda and I have an understanding but when it's before 8:30 (the kids bedtime) all bets are off.  So of course when we come crashing through the door obviously high and completely naked while she's reading the kids a story it didn't sit well.  What was worse is that Melinda didn't go crazy.  She just calmly took the kids out of the room and closed the door.  




Conclusion:
So here it is, I've hit rock bottom, or at least I hope this is rock bottom.  Definitely in the doghouse.  I'm going to start anew.  Make a change.  Who knows?  Maybe this Scientology thing could work out.

Tom Cruise

The phone rings and it's Tom Cruise.  I do have to admit Tom and I have never really spoken so this is somewhat of a surprise to me.  Even though his work has always been impressive, I've been afraid to be associated with him because of all the bad press.  

So he's like Billy, you've got to come check out Scientology it'll change your life man.  You've got to go OT.  Well, I love fucking with Scientologists so I ask him to tell me more.  He starts talking about how we're all prisoners in our own bodies and we have to learn how to be free and clear but it all starts with putting our personal ethics in.  I'm like Tom, this sounds completely cool I just don't know if right now is a good time, which just got him all riled up.  He's all listen Bill, nows the time to take action, nows the time to start on your way to happiness, you've got to cross the bridge.  I said, well what is Scientology's purpose?  He's like it depends where you're at.  At first it just teaches you to improve conditions and make more money (must admit that caught my attention) and do better with your relationships.  I told him the money part sounded good but Melissa and I have an understanding and are doing great, besides, isn't it going to costs millions of dollars anyway?  So Tom says it may cost millions but you'll gain billions.  No one's ever gone broke from giving to Scientology.  

Well then we start talking about time commitment.  So I ask Tom about how much time it takes.  Oh Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, it doesn't take too long at all.  He then divulges that he typically spends about 40 hours a week working on Scientology but assures me I wouldn't need to spend nearly that much time at first.  I say I just can't do it.  Tom says I'm starting to enturbulate him.  And I'm all whatever that means!  So Tom goes help me, help you.  No joke he actually said that.  Then he starts repeating it.  Help me, help you Billy.  Help ME, Help YOU.  HELP ME, HELP YOU!  So I say Tom you have to show me the money.  He's all Show me the money!  This continues for about five minutes so Tom decides to switch tactics.  He says let's start slow Billy, let's take it nice and slow.  You can start by doing the Purif.  I ask what the hell the purif is and Tom explains the Purif or Purification rundown is where you go sit in a sauna, take a shitload of pills and jog every once in awhile.  He said it will completely clean me out from all of the drugs and all the other crap in my body.  I asked if it completely cleans me out why do the SeaOrg people not want to talk to me anymore because I did LSD.  He's like Bill, you're totally questioning source and that's completely uncool.  You're pissing LRH's thetan off as we speak.  So I apologize and say I'll do the purif just to see what this is all about.  He's so jazzed and says before you know it you'll be on course and on your way to OT.  Clear the planet!!!

I've decided this could be interesting.  More as this develops.

How to kill a joke

Yes, I can't believe it either but someone made another one.