So Britney calls

And she’s all like, hey Bill you look really sexy whenever I see you on the news or whatever and you’re always trying to save the world and stuff. I’m like, Britney you’re lookin’ all coked out on the news, what’s goin’ on? She laughed this high pitched scary laugh and said she wasn’t coked out; she was Pepsi’ed out and having the time of her life without having to worry about her kids. I said it was probably better since she sucked balls at being a mother which brought on another scary laugh. She’s like, that’s another thing that makes you so sexy Bill; you can make a woman laugh and that’s important to any girl. Trying to deal with all of this paparazzi bullshit and put on a good face makes a woman feel bad about herself. Then she says she has some unbelievably awesome drugs from her psychiatrist and she wants to show me what her Pepsi dance looks like without anything on. I asked her which one and she tells me the one from the Pepsi commercial where Bob Dole is being a sorry old pervert. I said I’d be there in five…

Microsoft Infinity

We've sold over 100 million copies of Vista so stop dishing out the ish! Besides, just wait 'til you see what we're coming out with next. We've announced Microsoft Surface, we've announced the Teleporter, now I'm going to announce a 3d interactive gaming platform called the Xbox Infinity. What's even cooler is they're all the same device! (Think iPhone but "Infinitely" more amazing). We're still trying to figure out what the final device should look like and how big it should be. Any ideas guys? Photoshop something up and email it to me fakebeastmaster@gmail.com and I'll put the best one up on a post.

Macworld 2008

Ok Steve I understand your position, how can you improve upon last year’s keynote with the iPhone release? But come on, there are some minor software releases for the iPhone and AppleTv and you call them new products??? Sub par. Then there’s the Macbook Air; it looks like it will break just from people looking at it. Of course all of the fans in the crowd ahhhhhhh’ed over these things but they probably just felt they had to or else you would leave the stage in tears. I think you just over prepped and wore yourself out for the keynote because you looked like you were about to fall over. Maybe that’s because you skipped your morning snort, I don’t know but it was obvious something wasn’t right. And I have never in my life seen anyone more high out of his mind than Randy Newman at the end. Where can I get some of that shit? Seriously! And then O how sweet, he wants to say a few words in defense of our country… I’m sure that showed those European bastards!

All in all I can’t really put into words how to properly insult the keynote, but I think it does a pretty good job on its own. What did you guys think?

Check this out

I would now like to announce, Microsoft is releasing the all new, innovative, never before seen, MS Teleporter*!!! (Think Star Trek.) Suck on that, Macworld!

*due for release 2099

Sir Bill

So Elton John calls and is like, Sir Bill (yes I am also a knight) were those my lyrics you used for the title of your last post? I don’t want to lie so I just say yea... He’s all like, brilliant! I am so honored that you might think of my music to help represent yourself. Let’s put on some platform shoes and go out for a night on the town. I begin to tell him I have to go visit McConaughey when to my dismay, I hear a familiar voice in the background. Elton’s like, he’s already here and we’ve been trying on different costumes for hours! I just couldn’t come up with anymore excuses so I can either have Elton killed or fly over there.

Sigh… I hope none of the pictures from tonight end up online. Please let me know if you find any.

The Sun going down on me...

Come on Sun, how can anyone trust you to manage their data centers when you’re not going to manage your own? Sounds like a bunch of losers throwing in the towel to me. Probably a good idea to sell any Sun stock now… Looks like Microsoft and sadly IBM will be gaining even more market share. What shall I do with the extra money? Maybe I’ll buy Mexico or something, just for the hell of it. Mmmm, tacos.

If you were able, what country would you buy? Let me know in the comments and I just may buy it for you!

Think different

At Microsoft, we’re all about being different.

Hilarious!

I just called the poor artist bastard on his personal number (which he forgot I had) and disturbed one of his hardcore seclusion sessions that he does to prepare for Macworld. I’m like, Steve you have to get out of there right away, “There’s something in the air.” Something poisonous! He’s freakin’ out and running like a madman (I get real time satellite video of him whenever I want) and I’m just LMAO. Steve likes to pretend he controls everything but no one (especially the marketing department) actually tells him what’s going on, so I had to explain about the Macworld banner everyone is going nuts over. He didn’t say anything, I could just make out quiet sobbing though… Maybe he’s still rattled from the beating I gave him the other day.

Don't wait up Melinda

So Matthew McConaughey calls and is like, yo Bill I’m having a party, got any blow left over from Vegas? And I’m like; get your own bitch I have to get through the day. I could tell that really pissed him off and he starts ranting about helping me with my keynote video and how I owe him blah blah blah. I just say Matt, I’m the Chairman of Microsoft. So he starts crying and begging for forgiveness; it’s really pathetic. He tells me he’s going to the UT game tomorrow and really wants me to go with him. I’m like, Matt you high bastard, the friggin’ college season is over. LSU won. More crying, more tears. He says he really needs a friend right now… Sigh… Ok, I’ll hop in the Windows plane and stop in Texas but there had better be plenty of naked women when I arrive.

After a grueling flight, I get there to see McConaughey and FSJ sitting in the living room smoking cigars and getting BJs from the two hottest girls you've ever seen. Who the hell does that poor artist bastard think he is hangin’ out with my friend, smokin’ my cigar and receiving my BJ? Steve’s like, so Bill I heard you finally stole my blog idea too. That was it. I don’t remember how everything happened but the next thing I knew I was beating the shit out of him and McConaughey was pulling me off. Matt told me he was so sorry for causing me all the trouble of coming out to see him that he wanted to give me the opportunity to beat the crap out of my enemy. We had a great laugh over it. At least he got something right.

Steve didn’t have any money to get home and since I felt bad about giving him a concussion I let him use the Windows plane. What a loser. Didn’t hear him making any jokes about the Windows plane crashing.

What to do now that CES is done

I'm bored after the crazy hooker filled nights of CES. Maybe I'll buy Yahoo! Should I?

Microsoft's new business division president

Yes it’s true, Jeff Raikes is on his way out.

We’ve had some good times Jeff: CES after party, the hookers in TJ, and most importantly stopping Ballmer from doing lines on the urinal with Jobs.

Oh well, let’s go through the qualifications list.

White guy...Check
Glasses...Check
Rich...Check
Preferably has the name “Steve”...Check

I guess Stephen Elop will do. He has an artsy fartsy background which those Mac crazies will like.

Who else should we have hired?

-Later players

The next ScV

This may have implications about where the next Silicon Valley is going to be. The whole ScV scene is getting way too expensive and I don’t get richer by spending more money. My people are looking into it but I think Jacksonville FL, Tampa FL, and Charlotte NC all have a chance of surprising everyone.

Go ahead and comment where you think the next Sillicon Valley will be. I'll have my people check out the number one choice.

Big B making it happen.

Hillary was in my keynote video on Sunday and won the New Hampshire primary against all expectations on Tuesday. Coincidence? Sure, why not...

FSJ thought she was finished, ha! Check this out. He was just pissed because CES is going to make MacWorld look like the ignored middle child who releases their Mac Pro and Xserve upgrades early to try and steal your thunder. Come on Steve, have a little class.

CES 2008 Keynote

"Big pimpin I'm Bill G
Big pimpin ya you know me"

A Keynote worth watching...

WindowsTM is good for the third world

Sorry kids…

If only they'd used the big boys, this never would have been a problem!



Don’t hate the player hate the game.

See here.

My life sucks is awesome

My life is awesome. Let's face it. Haters want to talk shit about my company and products (Linsux users, I'm talking about you), yet I have over 90 percent market share bitches! Linux, OS X, Solaris, who the hell uses that indie-crap? It’s not about technology boys and girls it’s about dollars. You'll have to make a much larger dent in my profit margins to make moves in my playground. Hurry up, I'm tired of playing tetherball by myself.

You may have noticed that I am in magazines and newspapers but not as often as the ruler of the world deserves, and in my spare time I also run the fake Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. We donate over 1.5 Billion a year to the poor in Africa and Cupertino (no Steve that wasn’t a loan it was a gift). Plus I’m such a cool guy for letting everyone call me Bill; my name is William Henry Gates the Tres you MoFos and I have more money than most countries.

So welcome to my blog. Tell your friends if they want to earn 70 billion and then some, they’d better subscribe. You never know what I’ll decide to write. Maybe I’ll write in C++, or deliver a great speech about how Ballmer really isn’t mentally retarded. The point is I can do whatever I want because I rule the world no matter what the AAPL-crap says.

Be nice to nerds they’ll be your boss one day? Please, I am everyone’s boss and what a sexy playa I am.

Gates out!

Why Blog Now Bill?

Because I’m tired of that pathetic poor artist bastard getting all the press!

P.S. I drew that in MICROSOFT PAINT, bitches.