Yahoo!, prepare to be boarded

Ok guys, we're not fucking around anymore.  I'm sick of this dying company pretending like they can push around the bully.  Get this straight: Microsoft is the tough kid 'round here, you're just a pathetic online email provider and search engine who is getting spanked by the other tough kid from across town.  All we're going to do is come in and help fend him off.  It's kind of like Silicon Valley is a prison and Google is the Nazi gang who wants to rape you, but we're the big black guys who say, "This is my bitch, you mess with Yahoo you mess with me!"  Does that help?  Believe me Jerry, Google's just eyeing you and thinking: "You have a pretty mouth boy."  So as my friend Tom says, help me help you. 

     

The lady doth protest too much

Here is a move by Yahoo! to make it look like they are doing exciting new things that will help them grow and bring value to the company.  Basically they're approaching Google, getting on their knees, and hoping to be protected from big bad Microsoft.  Playing hard to get is possible but it's getting ridiculous.  Good luck Yahoo!, we hope you enjoy gurgling for Google.

Goodbye Yahoo!

Who thinks I should fire Ballmer? Stuff like this is really pissing me off.  He has done a piss poor job from the beginning acting way the hell too cocky and parading around like an idiot.  Let me tell you Ballmer is never going to be allowed to handle something like this again.  I don't think I want Yahoo! anymore anyway. 

Fuckyoo Yahoo!

Come to daddy

So Yahoo! is totally playing hard to get. Everyone thinks they care about more money for shareholders but they're really just trying to save face by talking tough to the media. Damn attention whores! It's kind of like negotiating with a hooker; except you don't only want her for one night, but for the rest of her life. And this particular hooker is married to the President of the United States or something so even though no one likes her except a select few, it's still a big deal in the media. Know what I mean?

I'm trying to stay back and let Ballmer handle this but he was never good at closing the deal with the ladies so I'm not sure if he can handle Yahoo!. He's all like, Bill don't worry about it I've been reading How to Get Your Dick Sucked for Dummies and I think it's really helping. When asked about improved BJ results seen from this he simply tells me it's going to be a good five years before he really starts seeing a return, which is funny because he said the same thing about Yahoo!. Sigh... If I really wanted to end this right away all I would have to do is make two phone calls. The first to my secretary so I can get some afternoon delight and the second to my hitmen who would make Yahoo! an offer they can't refuse. Jerry, I'm going to let Ballmer continue for now, but don't get greedy or else I'll go Godfather on your ass.

Never doubt my power

Okay people, remember how I was bored and was thinking about buying Yahoo back on my January 11th post entitled "What to do now that CES is done"? Did you check the news today?

I've been reading all the news articles about our offer to Yahoo. Seeing some of the comments all these jack offs are leaving at the end of the articles are just hilarious! They're saying they will stop using Yahoo as their homepage if this goes through. I'm sure somewhere in their distorted sense of reality they believe it will actually make a difference. It's a numbers game people. It always has been. There is a small percentage of anti-social Microsoft haters who will abandon Yahoo and search for greener pastures (Get it? "Search"!) but we don't give a shit! We will grow tremendously in market share and eventually give Google a well deserved kick in the balls. We've been around since the beginning boys and chicas which shows we've passed the test of time in a rapidly changing market. Google will get old; hate to break it to you guys.

So why don't you run out and get me some cigarettes because I'm about to give Yahoo! the best screw of it's life. Followers and haters alike please feel free to comment with your opinions.

P.S. If you've fallen off the planet earth and haven't heard the news see here.

P.P.S. From now on Microsoft will use an unnecessary plethora of exclamation points in all published materials to help remind people we will be/practically are, Yahoo!

What to do now that CES is done

I'm bored after the crazy hooker filled nights of CES. Maybe I'll buy Yahoo! Should I?