John McCain calls

and wants to know if I'll support him and his campaign.  He talks about being a POW and all the crazy ish that happened in his life.  Then he's like, Dude, (Yes he said dude.  I think he considers me a young man so thought it would help relate).  I graduated from the friggin Naval Academy.  Ever heard of it?  I just told him that's way cool and everything but I'm going to vote for one of the democrats.  McCain couldn't believe it, I had totally rained on his parade.  

This call did make me think though, I'd better decide who I'm going to support and vote for.  I mean FSJ has been supporting Obama for awhile.  Give me some comments on who you think it should be.

  

Lost

Okay, admission from the richest guy in the world.   I always say I never watch TV but Lost has me totally hooked.  I'm soooo excited about the new episode tonight at 9 pm pacific.  Who's your favorite character?  Mine's definitely Sayid; he kicks ass.

Crazy Japanese

Ever since we opened up our office in Japan I realized the Japanese were a little eccentric.  This article just further proves the point.  You wouldn't believe the crazy stuff we have to do over there just to keep a happy office environment.  You know how sometimes US offices have people wearing costumes to work on Halloween?  Now imagine that, but then think weirder, and everyday.  That's right, everyday.  What's more is the crazy off the wall way all Japanese emplyees decorate their office.  It's like walking into an Apple store to see the results of Steve Jobs on acid deciding it was a good idea to decorate.  All in all they make the dollas though so I guess we shouldn't complain too much.     

Fake Bill Gates

So I'm getting all these emails asking me why I don't call myself fake bill gates instead of fake beastmaster.  I'll just say once and for all that there are too many jerk offs out there pretending to be me.  You should know it's me from my writing and insight.  So whatevs.  Call me fake bill gates, fake beastmaster, fake hot dog on a stick.  Just know I'm the real deal.

Normally I don't call people

they call me, but I just finished watching Michael Clayton on my Zune player and had to talk to George Clooney.  I wasn't thrilled when No Country for Old Men won best picture but figured there weren't any other good movies out there this year.  Well that was before I saw Michael Clayton.  What an enjoyable movie with a truly superior script which George delivered amazingly.  When I told this to George he just laughed and said yeah it happens.  He's such a cool easy going guy and totally helped me out with my vid for CES.  

This isn't over.  I'm buying the Academy and having them issue an apology to the whole crew of Michael Clayton.  I'll keep you informed. 

Disney's Whoring Out Ariel & Friends

So little Phoebe comes up to me and says she wants to see Ariel onstage in "Naah Yek". 

 

I didn't hear about this until now but you guys have got to be kidding.  Disney, you milk every idea you have for every dollar you can get.  I mean, I'm friggin the head of Microsoft and even I think you're going too far.

Do have to admit Sierra Boggess is hot though.  Maybe I'll go see the show after all...

Here's some trivia for you

Who gets excited over old pieces of wood that were discovered on the Oregon shore after some severe storms eroded away part of the beach?  Answer: NPR 

This short article is about as exciting as the trivia question but what amazed me was this quote: "Geologists say the stumps in these ghost forests could be 4,000 to 80,000 years old."  Even though I have about 100 geologists on staff just for fun, I will admit I'm not a geologist.  However, why the hell do they get so much room for margin of error?  It's like me telling our shareholders we'll be anywhere from 50%-2000% of our sales projections for this quarter.  It's time we started demanding more from our scientists; let them know we're not willing to put up with this pull a hypothesis out of your ass anymore.  It's not acceptable in business so they shouldn't get away with it either.

The phone rings

and it's Spielberg wanting to chat for a minute.  He asked what I think about the new Indiana Jones movie and wanted me to be perfectly honest.  I'm like Steven, I think it's totally great and definitely the hot thing to do right now.  Stallone is raking in the money with Rocky & Rambo so there's no reason why this won't totally kick the crap out of those.  Then I'm like, besides it's really good to see you do some fun movies like Transformers and now Indiana Jones.  He's all excited and says they're totally going to use Windows machines in the movie.  I asked if they were done shooting and Steve said they were but had to do several appearances with Harrison Ford.  After hanging up, I went to the bathroom and told Harrison Ford to get his head out of the toilet and go to work.  

You're welcome America.

Multi-Touch

So is this Multi-Touch thing actually going to become a big deal?  One good thing about Apple is they're willing to do the market tests for you.  It's so convenient.

Lonely?

Okay, so last month I had one of those freak out times where I made the programmers pull an all nighter without a bathroom break and all week they've been kind of pissy ever since.  Which has been creating hell for everybody. 

Well, I'm not sure if you know this, but the Woz and I are actually still pretty good friends and will talk from time to time.  So I explained the situation to him and asked what I could do to make them happy.  That Woz sure knows his geek stuff let me tell you.

He had me introduce them to the video below and I offered to pay for one evening.  Let me tell you it won't happen again.  These geeks really racked up the bill even for Microsoft.  It is kind of nice though because now they're working harder than ever and pulling all nighters just because.  They made me promise to post this so nerds everywhere will be happy.  

Warning: If you are a nerd and have no job please do not watch this video!  (Trust me it's for your own good).

Obi Kenobi

I'm a Star Wars fan so had to put this up.

Dude, you're getting an HP

Michael, once you started shipping crap like Red Hat and Solaris you became dead to me.  Enjoy your uphill battle. 

Concerning the Oscars

Yes, I do enjoy watching the Oscars.  There's something about seeing all of the world's most famous people gathered in one place and having everybody make a huge deal about it while knowing you're worth more than all of them combined that just makes you feel good.  (Believe me it's a rush).  I was actually relatively pleased with Jon Stewart's performance.  What did you guys think?

  

Some of my peeps were having an Oscar party and wanted me to come but everyone had to dress up like a star present at the awards.  Why would I go and do something like that when 90% of them are coming to my after party?  I did consider showing up shit-faced and saying I was Cameron Diaz giving out the Cinematography award but actually had to stay sober last night.

Anyway, watching the Oscars is fun because you get to see a wide variety of emotion expressed by famous people whether spoken with words or simply shown in a look.  The tears of joy, drunken ramblings, and some of them just plain old pissed off.  But my favorite is the fake happiness most express when they lose; the Academy should give out an award just for who has the best fake happy reaction to losing.  When I lose (which only happens when I'm on vacation letting Steve Ballmer run things) standard protocol is to fire about ten people who really need the job, take away bathroom breaks for the programmers while they pull an all-nighter and hit the booze.  But these Hollywood guys really look like they were hoping the other guy was going to win.  Amazing.  

Hollywood is a big supporter of free speech, and don't get me wrong I'm all for it.  But that means when you give an old timer like Robert Boyle a microphone he's going to talk until his memory starts fading and even then he'll try to keep going.  At Microsoft we don't have time to let old people speak.  What new productive things do they have to say?  They'll just ramble on telling about how they used to work for a nickel an hour or something.  

I have to ask myself, why do normal people watch the Oscars?  Is it the same reason you all watch TMZ?  Do you want to see the famous "in real life"?  Maybe you only read my blog because you want to get to know the real me.  Anyway, most people don't give two shits about who wins what.  We should just scrap the Oscars and televise some event where actors, directors etc. can get up to talk about current events, politics and hobbies.  The only rule would be you have to have six drinks before you get up to speak; how bad ass would that be?  If someone were willing to produce it I guarantee them fake Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation will sponsor it.  Ultimately, the Oscar ratings aren't going to be anything impressive, if not just pathetic.  If they would have just teamed up with Microsoft utilizing Silverlight to deliver online video content things would have been different.  Maybe next year, if there is a next year...         

Guess who Jimmy's F*@king

Revenge is sooooo sweet.  A big shout out to reader Brian (even though he appears to use a Mac) for the heads up on this one. 

So Sarah Silverman calls

and says we're over.  She's like I can't believe you would tell everyone just like that about us going at it.  I'm like look, at least I didn't tell them about your crazy thing for Rosie O'Donnell and the time she just showed up expecting sex.  Seriously, I can understand being a lesbian but how could anyone ever feel a small attraction to the sexless wonder that is Rosie O'Donnell?  But that's kind of how Sarah is, going against the crowd and just being incredibly eccentric.  I mean come on, she uses a Mac.  How screwed up in the head do you have to be to do that?  She would insist we go up to the 10050 house on Cielo Drive and sing Helter Skelter at the top of our lungs.  She thinks it's totally normal but I just think she needs a positive role model in her life or something.  Guess it won't be me!

   

The phone rings

and it's Matt Damon asking me if I saw his hilarious little song with Sarah Silverman.  I watched it and laughed out loud.  If he only knew I am fucking Sarah Silverman...

Stuff White People Like

It's funny because it's true!

Goodbye Yahoo!

Who thinks I should fire Ballmer? Stuff like this is really pissing me off.  He has done a piss poor job from the beginning acting way the hell too cocky and parading around like an idiot.  Let me tell you Ballmer is never going to be allowed to handle something like this again.  I don't think I want Yahoo! anymore anyway. 

Fuckyoo Yahoo!

Happy Valentine's Day

Get the geeks what they want.  They're not expensive to shop for unless you want to get them a new home entertainment center.  Check this out.

Spread the love!  ML joystiq.com 

Don't Flash Me

Are you guys really adding Flash compatibility to the iPhone? Really? Are you nuts? The security vulnerabilities as well as the speed degradation that will cause seems like a risky move. Or maybe you're just going to wait until the 3G iPhones are released? No matter. Wait until we release our new Windows Mobile version and announce a partnership with ... well... I guess you'll just have to wait and see.

We're changing the world, one swallow at a time

Something little Stevey always rubs in my face is how Apple is changing the world by spitting out thousands of wrong ideas and how Microsoft doesn't change anything. I like to think slowly but surely we are changing the world at Microsoft.

See the world used to look like this:


And now it looks like this:

At Microsoft we don't "spit" we "swallow". Swallow up the little guy, give him no where to turn and then simply find a way to get our software on their machines. It's what we did to IBM, Apple, Palm and now Sony Ericsson. We swallow their hopes, their dreams and force feed the Microsoft Kool-Aid down their throats. Who should be next? RIM? Sun? Red Hat? Fake billion dollars to the person who can Photoshop what the world will look like in 10 years. (Think Microsoft and bigger).

Gates out!

Come to daddy

So Yahoo! is totally playing hard to get. Everyone thinks they care about more money for shareholders but they're really just trying to save face by talking tough to the media. Damn attention whores! It's kind of like negotiating with a hooker; except you don't only want her for one night, but for the rest of her life. And this particular hooker is married to the President of the United States or something so even though no one likes her except a select few, it's still a big deal in the media. Know what I mean?

I'm trying to stay back and let Ballmer handle this but he was never good at closing the deal with the ladies so I'm not sure if he can handle Yahoo!. He's all like, Bill don't worry about it I've been reading How to Get Your Dick Sucked for Dummies and I think it's really helping. When asked about improved BJ results seen from this he simply tells me it's going to be a good five years before he really starts seeing a return, which is funny because he said the same thing about Yahoo!. Sigh... If I really wanted to end this right away all I would have to do is make two phone calls. The first to my secretary so I can get some afternoon delight and the second to my hitmen who would make Yahoo! an offer they can't refuse. Jerry, I'm going to let Ballmer continue for now, but don't get greedy or else I'll go Godfather on your ass.

Make some money gents

Hey guys, if you want to start up your own company check this out; these guys know what they're talking about. Who knows? Maybe I'll end up buying the company from you. I'm wondering though, who out there has the next original big hit idea? (Besides me of course). You have the honor of making a pitch to the richest guy in the world. Let me hear something good!

Wow

Wow!

Interesting article

I guess will have to wait and see who wins to know for sure if Hillary is a PC. Any predictions?

Never doubt my power

Okay people, remember how I was bored and was thinking about buying Yahoo back on my January 11th post entitled "What to do now that CES is done"? Did you check the news today?

I've been reading all the news articles about our offer to Yahoo. Seeing some of the comments all these jack offs are leaving at the end of the articles are just hilarious! They're saying they will stop using Yahoo as their homepage if this goes through. I'm sure somewhere in their distorted sense of reality they believe it will actually make a difference. It's a numbers game people. It always has been. There is a small percentage of anti-social Microsoft haters who will abandon Yahoo and search for greener pastures (Get it? "Search"!) but we don't give a shit! We will grow tremendously in market share and eventually give Google a well deserved kick in the balls. We've been around since the beginning boys and chicas which shows we've passed the test of time in a rapidly changing market. Google will get old; hate to break it to you guys.

So why don't you run out and get me some cigarettes because I'm about to give Yahoo! the best screw of it's life. Followers and haters alike please feel free to comment with your opinions.

P.S. If you've fallen off the planet earth and haven't heard the news see here.

P.P.S. From now on Microsoft will use an unnecessary plethora of exclamation points in all published materials to help remind people we will be/practically are, Yahoo!

So Britney calls

And she’s all like, hey Bill you look really sexy whenever I see you on the news or whatever and you’re always trying to save the world and stuff. I’m like, Britney you’re lookin’ all coked out on the news, what’s goin’ on? She laughed this high pitched scary laugh and said she wasn’t coked out; she was Pepsi’ed out and having the time of her life without having to worry about her kids. I said it was probably better since she sucked balls at being a mother which brought on another scary laugh. She’s like, that’s another thing that makes you so sexy Bill; you can make a woman laugh and that’s important to any girl. Trying to deal with all of this paparazzi bullshit and put on a good face makes a woman feel bad about herself. Then she says she has some unbelievably awesome drugs from her psychiatrist and she wants to show me what her Pepsi dance looks like without anything on. I asked her which one and she tells me the one from the Pepsi commercial where Bob Dole is being a sorry old pervert. I said I’d be there in five…

Microsoft Infinity

We've sold over 100 million copies of Vista so stop dishing out the ish! Besides, just wait 'til you see what we're coming out with next. We've announced Microsoft Surface, we've announced the Teleporter, now I'm going to announce a 3d interactive gaming platform called the Xbox Infinity. What's even cooler is they're all the same device! (Think iPhone but "Infinitely" more amazing). We're still trying to figure out what the final device should look like and how big it should be. Any ideas guys? Photoshop something up and email it to me fakebeastmaster@gmail.com and I'll put the best one up on a post.

Macworld 2008

Ok Steve I understand your position, how can you improve upon last year’s keynote with the iPhone release? But come on, there are some minor software releases for the iPhone and AppleTv and you call them new products??? Sub par. Then there’s the Macbook Air; it looks like it will break just from people looking at it. Of course all of the fans in the crowd ahhhhhhh’ed over these things but they probably just felt they had to or else you would leave the stage in tears. I think you just over prepped and wore yourself out for the keynote because you looked like you were about to fall over. Maybe that’s because you skipped your morning snort, I don’t know but it was obvious something wasn’t right. And I have never in my life seen anyone more high out of his mind than Randy Newman at the end. Where can I get some of that shit? Seriously! And then O how sweet, he wants to say a few words in defense of our country… I’m sure that showed those European bastards!

All in all I can’t really put into words how to properly insult the keynote, but I think it does a pretty good job on its own. What did you guys think?

Check this out

I would now like to announce, Microsoft is releasing the all new, innovative, never before seen, MS Teleporter*!!! (Think Star Trek.) Suck on that, Macworld!

*due for release 2099