Yahoo!, prepare to be boarded

Ok guys, we're not fucking around anymore.  I'm sick of this dying company pretending like they can push around the bully.  Get this straight: Microsoft is the tough kid 'round here, you're just a pathetic online email provider and search engine who is getting spanked by the other tough kid from across town.  All we're going to do is come in and help fend him off.  It's kind of like Silicon Valley is a prison and Google is the Nazi gang who wants to rape you, but we're the big black guys who say, "This is my bitch, you mess with Yahoo you mess with me!"  Does that help?  Believe me Jerry, Google's just eyeing you and thinking: "You have a pretty mouth boy."  So as my friend Tom says, help me help you. 

     

Quarterly Earnings

You would not believe how much shit I'm catching for our quarterly earnings.  It's hard sometimes to realize how much normal people care about money.  Dave Chappelle said it best: "I'm rich bitch!"  

Look people, I'm busy saving the planet, doing some good for the world; not just trying to make rich investors richer.  If you want to bitch send an email to the CEO at steve@microsoft.com

Right now, the Bill & Melinda Gates foundation in partnership with Microsoft is working on a cure for AIDS that can only be delivered via machines running our OS.  Do you have any idea what that's going to do to sales?  Then we'll be saving the planet and making investors happy.  Sorry it's taking so long guys but get a flipin' grip already.

A Good Day

I woke up to the sound of birds chirping happily in anticipation for the day while the smell of breakfast filled my nose.  The kind of stuff that tells you it's just going to be an awesome day.  Since the whole purif rundown, everything has been put in a more peaceful perspective.  I feel so clean inside, all of the drugs, alcohol and smog has been totally wiped from my system.  

Ballmer and I just played Guitar Hero in my office all day.  This was a much deserved break after the project we just finished yesterday.  Forgive me for keeping it a secret but you'll know what it is before the year is over.   

Also, I'm thinking about doing a triathlon, anybody have advice about getting started?     

Only 24 hours in a day

Hey guys, sorry for being out of touch, but I'm runnin' flippin' Microsoft ok?  Get over it.  I'll be back soon.

Offensive or funny?

Xbox and Mac

I'm not sure how I should feel about this guy.  He's an Xbox user and a Mac user.  WTF?  Are there a lot of people out there who use Macs and Xbox?  Maybe I should start trying to create a Halo effect for the Xbox and PC.  

Anywhoo, this story totally supports my point about the internet being the future of everything which I was saying since before there even was an internet.

Getting past the bouncer can be tough

I was chillin' with some of the developers last night having a few beers and just shootin' the shit.  Anywhoo, I asked them why they weren't out hitting the clubs trying to score some women.  They just laughed and explained how difficult it was for them to get in anywhere.  I forget sometimes that everyone isn't me and can just get in anywhere, whenever.  After some thought and searching online for a solution, I found the answer.  (See video below).  It's totally working for these guys and they're happier and more productive than ever.  Who knows, maybe we will release Windows 7 next year.

Windows 7

Whether they're talking shit or giving us high fives, people love to talk about Microsoft.  We can't go to lunch without it becoming news.  

I told one of these news people Windows 7 will be here in a year or so, and everyone's going nuts!  Lesson to all the noobs out there, when a software company gives a flexible time range for product release it's always later rather than sooner.  But now everyone's starting to get all excited about Windows 7 which is going to just blow people away.  I'll take some time off from the foundation to really go and be a part of the fanfare at the release.

Wait for it...

Go ahead and take the time to actually watch all of this, it's just funny.  Hmmmm... we could use some help with the recon at Apple.

Buying A Home?

For all you people out there who don't have billions of dollars and need home loans, check this out.  I've heard many employees complain about the incessant phone calls or emails they get from salespeople 'cause they submitted information online for home loans and other things.  

If this new business works out, we might want to look into acquiring Zillow...   

How to revive a joke

She's f*@&ing Obama!

Aren't these Mac ads getting old?

Have you seen the new "Breakthrough" ad for mac?  These commercials are like your little brother telling you everyday how he's going to kick your ass, but when push comes to shove nothing happens.  

Check out what's "Surfacing" in at&t stores

It has begun; the time of Microsoft innovation is upon the world.  This is the next big Microsoft milestone for being a true innovator.  I've been waiting for the day Apple copies us for a long time, and that day is near.